So I made the decision to join a step study (see my previous post). My sponsor is ALSO in this step study, which causes some issues. You see, I’m supposed to email her my food intake at the end of everyday. Needless to say, I’m not totally truthful in these emails and make it seems like I eat more than I really do. My justification is that I eat enough, or at least enough to function. I eat enough to maintain a weight of 80-ish pounds. I am too scared to gain weight, but she thinks gaining weight is an absolute necessity in recovery. Not the end-all, be -all of recovery, but an important part (she is in recovery from anorexia as well).
Now, as you can see in my previous entry, I answered the questions truthfully, admitting to anorexic behaviors and restricting. The next few questions (that will be posted next week) involve talking about my food plan and what I consider to be abstaining from the eating disorder. It also includes developing an action plan to avoid triggers and work recovery. Again, in my previous answers, I admit to things I’m technically not supposed to be doing. My sponsor (and husband) don’t want me to be looking at food porn or thinspo, nor do they want me weighing myself. And yet, I still am. So if I admit to these behaviors in the step study, she will KNOW I am lying. If she knows I’m lying she may discontinue working with me which is something I will have to hide from my husband or else he will flip.
So you see the dilemma I am in. I could quit the step-study, which will look bad. Or I could work the steps around a different program (possibly co-dependency) to avoid the food issues. Or I could be totally open and honest in the study and accept the consequences. Or I can blatantly lie to sail through everything. Or…I could “stretch the truth” and omit the parts I don’t want them to know.
Can you not see the addict in me right now? I’m spending way too much time trying to figure out how to get away with things rather than just surrendering and doing the right thing. And yet, I tell myself I wouldn’t have to hide all this if people would just back the fuck off. I honestly feel people are blowing my eating disorder way out of proportion and I should be able to eat the amount I am without people throwing a fit. I should be able to weigh 80 pounds without people wanting me to gain weight. I should be able to look at skinny women without people judging me.
I really would like to do this step study for my overall well-being. But I just can’t let go of the food/weight stuff. Let me work the damn program for all the emotional stuff I am dealing with.
And yet, a logical person would say, “YOU WOULDN’T BE DEALING WITH ALL THAT EMOTIONAL STUFF IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR EATING DISORDER.”
I lost a pound from yesterday, so I’m at an even 80 pounds.
I toyed with the idea today that if I do get laid off in the next couple months, or my company shuts down, I will enter outpatient treatment if it’s fully covered. If my husband has an issue with me making that decision, that’s his problem. I feel I’ve come to a point where I would be doing it for me. Even though I don’t feel like I have a problem, it must be if I’m compulsively checking my wordpress or tumblr or scale or BMI or bones or fridge or mirror or…fill in the blank. I think about it ALL day. And I can even justify that — just THINKING about anorexia makes me feel elated. So I think about it on the way to work, when I’m watching TV, when I’m having sex, when I’m counseling a client, when I’m reading, when I’m going to the bathroom…fuck.
So I made the decision to join a step study (see my previous post). My sponsor is ALSO in this step study, which causes some issues. You see, I’m supposed to email her my food intake at the end of everyday. Needless to say, I’m not totally truthful in these emails and make it seems like I eat more than I really do. My justification is that I eat enough, or at least enough to function. I eat enough to maintain a weight of 80-ish pounds. I am too scared to gain weight, but she thinks gaining weight is an absolute necessity in recovery. Not the end-all, be -all of recovery, but an important part (she is in recovery from anorexia as well).
Now, as you can see in my previous entry, I answered the questions truthfully, admitting to anorexic behaviors and restricting. The next few questions (that will be posted next week) involve talking about my food plan and what I consider to be abstaining from the eating disorder. It also includes developing an action plan to avoid triggers and work recovery. Again, in my previous answers, I admit to things I’m technically not supposed to be doing. My sponsor (and husband) don’t want me to be looking at food porn or thinspo, nor do they want me weighing myself. And yet, I still am. So if I admit to these behaviors in the step study, she will KNOW I am lying. If she knows I’m lying she may discontinue working with me which is something I will have to hide from my husband or else he will flip.
So you see the dilemma I am in. I could quit the step-study, which will look bad. Or I could work the steps around a different program (possibly co-dependency) to avoid the food issues. Or I could be totally open and honest in the study and accept the consequences. Or I can blatantly lie to sail through everything. Or…I could “stretch the truth” and omit the parts I don’t want them to know.
Can you not see the addict in me right now? I’m spending way too much time trying to figure out how to get away with things rather than just surrendering and doing the right thing. And yet, I tell myself I wouldn’t have to hide all this if people would just back the fuck off. I honestly feel people are blowing my eating disorder way out of proportion and I should be able to eat the amount I am without people throwing a fit. I should be able to weigh 80 pounds without people wanting me to gain weight. I should be able to look at skinny women without people judging me.
I really would like to do this step study for my overall well-being. But I just can’t let go of the food/weight stuff. Let me work the damn program for all the emotional stuff I am dealing with.
And yet, a logical person would say, “YOU WOULDN’T BE DEALING WITH ALL THAT EMOTIONAL STUFF IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR EATING DISORDER.”
I lost a pound from yesterday, so I’m at an even 80 pounds.
I toyed with the idea today that if I do get laid off in the next couple months, or my company shuts down, I will enter outpatient treatment if it’s fully covered. If my husband has an issue with me making that decision, that’s his problem. I feel I’ve come to a point where I would be doing it for me. Even though I don’t feel like I have a problem, it must be if I’m compulsively checking my wordpress or tumblr or scale or BMI or bones or fridge or mirror or…fill in the blank. I think about it ALL day. And I can even justify that — just THINKING about anorexia makes me feel elated. So I think about it on the way to work, when I’m watching TV, when I’m having sex, when I’m counseling a client, when I’m reading, when I’m going to the bathroom…fuck.