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I Need To Vent

Posted Mar 01 2012 4:16am

My legs are so swollen today it is uncomfortable; physically and mentally uncomfortable because they feel like they could rip open any minute they are so tight, and it “confirms” my fears that I can somehow gain 50 pounds overnight.

This sent me for a bit of a loop the last few days, since today is not the only day I have had this annoying edema.

I should be used to it, as this is a pretty common symptom I experience, but every time it flares up it becomes one more reason why I should not follow an “insanely high” meal plan.

As my husband pointed out, I am fabulous at making excuses.

“Every time things start to get hard, CJ, there is an excuse why you don’t need, or can’t handle, feeling uncomfortable to get better, but obviously your way hasn’t worked.”

I really hate it when he is right, especially because the majority of my mind does not one want to change a gosh darn thing (except to start running again rather than sticking to boring walks).

Ryan has just recently switched to dayshift and is headed to Vermont for a snowboarding weekend so our plan of him portioning out my meals hasn’t worked as well as I envisioned.

In all honesty I should be fully capable of taking things into my own hands but I have demonstrated time and time again that my brain does not function properly and won’t always permit me to make the best choices.

When I am in control, I tend to count and overanalyze every single morsel that touches my lips.

I don’t want to do this…in fact I have mentioned several times that if I could delete all the skewed nutritional nonsense that swirls around in my brain I totally would, but my mind unfortunately naturally tabulates the days eats and nags, nags, nags about my selections.

When I was really sick I could override any hunger signal I had if I waited long enough.

Sure the incessant tummy gnawing would be there, but I could ignore it and move on.

Ugh, now, not so much.

Once you start feeding your body again it decides it wants everything, and hunger can become off the charts.

This isn’t the case for everyone, but for me, my appetite definitely comes back and annoys the hell out of me because I can no longer simply ignore it.

I then feel weak, pathetic, out of control, and like a gluttonous pig if I “give in” and have a snack, or more at a meal than I anticipated, and the guilt is horrible.

It is so distracting and frustrating to feel mentally horrendous all the time.

This is probably my own fault, considering I am still not following my dietician prescribed plan…just slowly increasing my daily intake, bit by bit, and so my stomach is probably trying to tell me, “hello I need more!” but the aforementioned edema keeps popping up in my mind as a “reminder” that I actually DO NOT need more at all…

It is not water retention remember, it is huge globs of fat that happened from two weeks of an extra maybe, 200-300 calories.

It is just so cyclical…

Enthusiastic about gaining back my LIFE so I do well and enjoy delicious things that haven’t touched my lips in forever….

Freak out because I feel like I am physically gaining enormous amounts of weight that will never ever stop and I will soon be up to a million pounds…

Try to justify that I can be healthy without actually gaining weight and start acting on behaviors that are totally ED in order to self-soothe, even if it is just a teensy bit.

*Not here yet in this rotation* Give into ED and just saw screw recovery. It is just too hard and I can’t do it.

Am I the only one that does this?!

I feel like I can never go the distance because I hit the breaks when the going gets tough.

I had an extra two tablespoons of nuts for my pre-workout snack and nearly had an anxiety attack that I overate for the day…

I need to seriously get a grip.

Sorry to vent to all of you but I am just so frustrated with myself!

So much of me wants to LIVE and be fulfilled, but I cannot seem to get there.

I really wanted to tell you all the challenges I had discussed Sunday at the kick off of NEDA week, but I didn’t really accomplish much of what I had planned.

I hope you all are having more successful weeks.

Until tomorrow, when I hopefully have some better news to report.

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