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"I'm goin' down, down, down..."

Posted Apr 12 2011 4:18am

(originally posted 3/20 on my blog www.leadmenot.wordpress.com

“I’m going down, down, down; I’m goin’ down, down, down, down, down…” (Bruce Springsteen)

This is how it all began.

Back in April 2010 when I decided to try to lose a few pounds, I was a size 8 and weighed 133lbs. When I began I really didn’t have a goal in mind. I just wanted to lose “a few pounds.” My first few weeks at dieting weren’t very successful and the weight didn’t really come off, just a pound or two. Then I started counting/tracking my calories. I researched BMI’s, BMR’s, nutrition, calories and everything else that pertained to weight loss. The concept of losing weight is really simple – calories out must be greater than calories in. That’s easy enough. So I started using the Lose It! app on my IPod to track my calories.

After I started doing my weight loss homework and figured out how to make this work, I was losing weight by 2lbs a week! I dropped nearly 11 pounds in June alone!

I did finally decide on a goal. I decided I would like to at least be a size 4 again When I had moved to Texas 7 years ago, I was a size 4 and my weight was somewhere in the mid-120’s and I thought I would like to get to that point again. That would be my goal. When I get to that point again, I will stop. I dropped from a size 8 to a 6, totally skipped the 4 and landed at 2. I couldn’t believe I fit into a 2! I have a feeling that somewhere in cyberspace there is a secret security video of me in the Levi’s dressing room doing a happy dance in front of the mirror…you know, the ones like Snoopy used to do on the Peanuts cartoons! I had not only hit my goal but I exceeded it…I was a size 2!!!

So, I could stop then, right? Right? Problem is, by then, I realized I couldn’t stop losing weight because I was terrified of gaining it back. So I decided on a new goal. 100 pounds. I could be satisfied at weighing 100, 100 is a good number. I’ll stop when I hit 100.

I totally missed 100. I went from 102 to 99.7.

Weighing in the upper 90’s has been surreal. My lowest to date has been 96.6. Honesty, when I see myself in the mirror, I don’t think I look that thin. There is a part of me that thinks I could stand to lose those last 7 pounds.

So what do I do if I hit 90 and find that its not enough?

To my dear Sisters who have posted here and on Facebook, I hear you and I love you for the support and prayers. Please know I hear you. This blog is my day to day journal of my struggle, of my battle. This is where I am right now in my thinking as wrong or screwed up as I may be in my thinking. This is me pouring out my heart, my soul, and my fears. Do you want to know the ugly truth? Where I am at right now is that I honestly, I don’t see myself as too thin, I see that I could lose more weight. I also don’t think there is a problem…other than me gaining weight.

Please God, please just don’t let me gain weight!

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