I want to thank you all for all your supportive and inspirational comments and emails (and thoughts). Little did I know that while I thought I was here to support YOU all these years, I've actually been building my own support group. Thank you all for being understanding and patient.
I've lost a lot of self-confidence regarding my ability to cope with challenges, frustration, and difficult people. And, I've taken on quite a bit of guilt, too, about leaving you all hanging and about losing my cool so much at work. I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself. But, like you and I have both written, I will work on giving myself a break and forgiving myself.
I have made some adjustments here at work over the last week: 1) insisting my boss be at every status meeting from now on, or I won't go either (I'm not going to let my "colleagues" be abusive to me anymore), and 2) working hard to roll with the punches so I don't get too upset. I'm relinquishing my sense of being owner and parent to this system I've been working to develop. It's out of my hands; I'm going to treat it as such.
I've also identified my goals, and I'm focusing hard on them: 1) I want to learn as much as I can of the system I'm working to create (even if it never gets done). I am analyst (a good one, thank you very much), and I WANT TO KNOW as much as possible about SAP. I want this. I know that much. And, 2) I plan to start advertising for a new job in mid-February, so I'll have more options. That's only 3.5 months away. I can make it that long. And, by then, I'll have a much stronger resume, that's for sure. I'll keep reminding myself of goal #1 when things get hard.
I also decided to give myself a little present and start taking my anti-anxiety meds (Citalopram) again. I started them up on Sunday. They'll make my life a little easier and more pleasant until things calm down. Todd wasn't thrilled (he hates the side-effects in the bedroom), but he is supportive since it's only for a little while, and the upside potential in my mood, energy, and attitude are great. I'm happier already knowing that I've finally got a little "help."
I guess I'm writing to you right now also because I actually had a little fun this afternoon. It's hard to believe, but it's true. I worked with the developers (who are all good guys, vs. the project managers, who are not) in the system itself. It's coming together, and we did some training, some script & macro testing, and some data uploading. It's so ridiculously intricate and delicate and requires SO many steps in exactly the right order. But, we made it work, and I'm understanding it, and I feel good.
Like I said, I'm an analyst. I love systems and programs and database stuff. I do NOT love project management or corporate politics or game playing.
I might just make it through.
And, I'm really looking forward to getting my confidence back and forgetting these last few months. Yes, I will remember and honor and celebrate the huge accomplishment and forget the struggle. I'll be back, guys.