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I Can't Fight This Feeling

Posted Apr 09 2011 11:01pm

 (Originally posted 3/20 at www.leadmenot.wordpress.com )

 

“I can’t fight this feeling any more, I’ve forgotten what I’ve started fighting for….” (REO Speedwagon)…can you tell I’m staring a box of Little Debbie cream-filled chocolate cupcakes in the face?  Oh to have the metabolism of my youth again! 

Today was not quite as good as I planned.  I  put on some weight from my birthday weekend last weekend.  It was only 2 pounds but it may as well have been 200.  I don’t hate myself for it, but honestly, I really dislike myself for it.  It doesn’t matter that I can still fit into my size 0  jeans which are in fact getting baggy on me, it doesn’t matter that I can still shop in the Juniors department and wear XS for the first time in my life.   I still put on 2 pounds!  The reason my day wasn’t as good as I planned is that I have resolved, since my birthday weight gain indulgence, to lose 2 pounds a week until I hit my goal of 90.  But I had, in my estimation, an epic fail.  I have consumed 860 calories today. 

In order to lose 2lbs a week, I can only consume 700 a day (based on my BMR and my rather sedentary lifestyle – sedentary because I lack the energy to do really much of anything).  I should be able to do that!!  I’ve done that before!! Over the summer I was managing to survive on 500 – 600 a day, so this shouldn’t be hard! 

But I’m so hungry. 

And, honesty, most of the time, I’m starving.  Even after I eat, I’m still so hungry. 

I want to eat, I want to BINGE and those blasted cupcakes, all 8 of them, are taunting me!  I want to indulge!  I want the shoes Dorothy wore in the Wizard of Oz. I want beautiful ruby red slippers that I can click together and chant, “there’s no such thing as weight gain, there’s no such thing as weight gain.”

the night is nearly over and so is the temptation to eat. I’ll down one more cup of coffee and that should hold me for the night.  Only 20 calories (1/2tsp sugar, 1 tsp coffee mate)! 

But then there is tomorrow.  Tomorrow worries me too.  We have started attending a Fellowship here and I love the people and the worship and the services.  I love it there.  But tomorrow they are having a dinner after service.  I want to stay and fellowship, but the dinner is a buffet. 

A buffet. 

Please God PLEASE don’t let me gain weight.  Please let me eat until I’m full and not gain weight.  Please. 

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