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How do I stop the noise?

Posted by sugarcane

Several months ago I decided to get healthy. My clothes didn't fit anymore. I felt my thighs rub together when I walked. Nothing made me happy about the way I looked. It didn't help that my husband would joke about my weight to give me "encouragement" to shed a few pounds.

To give more context I am barely in my 30's and have two wonderful girls. The weight I gained during both pregnancies was not bad but it was in the 25-30 lb range for both which is normal. After each pregnacy I kept a little of the weight but not much. Before my first child, I barely weighed 105 lbs and I am 5 ft 5in. Seeing myself phyically change over the years was difficult and I struggled with it internally and never really spoke about how much it bothered me. 

I love food. I love cooking food and finding new recipes. I enjoy grocery shopping and discovering new things that I never noticed before. But there is just one problem. On my road to getting healthy something switched in my brain and now I am obsessed with the number on the scale. Un-intentionally, I got back down to my 105 lbs that I was nearly 12 years ago. At one point I even weighed 104 but that was maybe for a couple of days. I was at one point working out 7 days a week. 

I recently went on vacation and had a birthday and in that time I gained 3 lbs. I am trying so hard not to mentally make a big deal of it but it is a BIG DEAL. In addition, over the last month and half I have been binge eatting (which I wasn't doing intially when I started getting healthy) but now I feel like I am going peel apart at the seems after everytime that it happens. I need advice/help/ something that can get me past this obsession because I feel very controlled and in turn feel that I am loosing control of my life. I want to eat healthy. I plan all of meals from sun up to sun down. I count calories and make sure everything is weighed for accuracy. I have a desk job so ensuring that I do not take in a lot of calories during the day is important because I do not exert much energy during that time.

I don't know what to do. I think about food from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep. I just want to eat what I want but  when I do the guilt is like a thick blanket and it makes me feel disgusting. 

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