“Celebrate good times, come on! (Let’s celebrate!), Celebrate good times, come on! (Let’s celebrate)” (Kool and the Gang, Celebrate)…because today has been a good day for me. I lost 1 of the 2.8 pounds that I put on over my birthday weekend and for the last two days have managed to keep my calorie intake to 712 and 700. Honestly, “I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it!” (Pointer Sisters) and I feel like “I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa yeah, I’m walkin’ on sunshine, whoa!” (Katrina and the Waves). And, physically, I feel good today! Another one of those Snoopy-happy-dance kind of days.
Excitement and celebration aside, I wish I could tell you how devastating it is to put on a few ounces, let alone pounds! I once worked with a woman who had similar fears as I do. She didn’t want to gain weight and dieted regularly. As I remember, she was pretty thin. I heard once from my co-workers that she put on a few pounds and her husband found her hiding in their bedroom closet, too broken hearted by her weight gain and disgusted by her appearance, to come out. They thought it was funny. At that time, I probably weighed 120 and was still the “thin one” and I smirked about it too.
I’m not smirking now. I understand her now.
Putting on a few ounces or pounds doesn’t drive me into a full-blown depression or self-loathing. But that morning when I see the number going up on the scale (both of them) I do feel like a failure. I have been known to weight myself at least 5 times in a row just to be sure the scale is right. And when I resign myself to the fact that it is, I condemn myself for whatever it was I did that packed on that ounce or two. My self-confidence takes a hit and I start to panic…”Oh God, what if I start to gain it back….”, and, ultimately, “Please God, please don’t let me gain weight!” And I promise myself today will be a better day. I will eat less and I will move around more.
This may all seem unreasonable to you and, honestly, unless you have tackled this mountain or ever tried, then you might not understand. You probably think I’m ______ (fill in the blank) and I don’t blame you, in fact, years ago I would have agreed with your assessment of someone in my situation. I guess when you have climbed such a steep and perilous mountain and have made so much progress, only then you really come to appreciate how devastating just one tiny misstep can be.
When you have spent so much time, so many long days and nights fighting your way to where you are now only to have one mistake send you a foot or two back down that rocky cliff-face and you realize you have to recover those precious steps you managed to gain in your favor, only then can you really understand how devastating it can be. To have to gain back what you have lost, to have to retrace your steps, regain lost ground when you are already so tired from the climb can be so disheartening! It’s just a foot or two; it’s just a few ounces. But having to make up for what you have fought for so long and hard can seem insurmountable, especially when you can see the top of the mountain…or worse yet, you have only just begun to fight and have yet to see the top of that mountain. I think we can all identify with that.
Good thing is, Determination and Resolve rise up and step in to save the day and I know today is Another Day, Another Dawn. Today I WILL stick to my calorie goal! Today I WILL resist and I WILL overcome! I WILL eat less and move around more! Take that breakfast, lunch and dinner! You have been served!!!
I have Will Power and Determination and Resolve (in this case, a rather unholy Trinity) to save the day. And for many of you in your struggles you have God to save the day. For those of you who don’t, I would implore you to ask Him in to the midst of your battle, whatever it may be you are struggling with, even though that isn’t something I feel I can do for my situation. Though God never condemns me, I’m not sure He would condone what I’m doing. I want God to turn a blind eye and let this one slide under the radar. I want Him to help me, but I want Him to help me be thin and to help me not gain weight! Honestly, obviously I do struggle with whether what I’m doing is okay or not, otherwise I wouldn’t be blogging my heart out about it. In November 2010, just before we moved, I saw my once-a-year doctor for my annual exam. At that time I weighed 103 on my scale and 105 on his (talk about a fibber!). When I saw him in January 2010, I weighed 140 on his scale (135 on mine…just had to say that). I figured, if my weight was a concern, if anyone would be concerned, it would be him. He never said a word about my weight.
I guess losing 32 pounds from a healthy weight to being underweight at 105 wasn’t a big deal, but I think part of me took it as a silent acknowledgement that it was okay.
I do want to say thank you to those of you who have contacted me through emails and Facebook with support, love, encouragement and most importantly, with your prayers… because honestly, I can’t do that for myself right now.
All I can ask right now is Please God! Please don’t let me gain weight!