Have you ever been in a situation when you are asked a question and you don’t want to lie but you don’t want to tell the truth? Nothing more awkward than squirming around trying to dance around the subject, not quite able to be honest. And that damn conscious of yours won’t let you just blurt out a lie.
That is how I feel right now. And that is part of my “bloggers block”. I don’t want to lie or gloss things over- that’s not what my blog is about and it definitely isn’t what I am about. But neither do I really want to face up to my truth.
I am struggling to maintain any semblance of sanity when it comes to my workouts. I don’t know when this started to unravel, but I started noticing after my personal training session on Saturday. I did a short warm-up followed by a pretty intense weight training session. In my mind, because I did less cardio, I hadn’t exercised enough. I came home riddled with anxiety and guilt. My body was tired, but I couldn’t sit still. I remember crying down the phone to my dad as I sped through the city streets trying to make up for my lost workout. That was the day I started keeping a food log for my trainer. This entire week I have been writing down precise quantities- the first time in several years that anyone will know exactly what I eat in a day. On one hand, I feel like it is too much, too ‘unclean’ too unbalanced. On the other hand, I am embarrassed by how meticulously calculated every morsel of food is and how my intake compares to what I know I should be eating. Yep, that’s an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
There is also the issue of trust with my trainer. I know I said I wanted to trust him- and I do WANT to. Except that I can’t. Because his goals are different from mine and “I” don’t trust his motives. [Me? My eating disorder? Whose goals are these?] His goals for me are healthy ones. His advice, from a non-eating disordered perspective, has been pretty well-rounded with good intentions. I know this on an intellectual level and yet I hold back from following his recommendations because my head isn’t screwed on in a healthy place right now. I know this. I just don’t know what to do about it.
I feel like there is electricity running through my head right now and I.can’t.think.straight. I have completely lost sight of what I am hoping to achieve or where I want to be in 3/6/12 months time. I need to regain some perspective, to step back and refocus.
I have been feeling so drained and unlike myself for the past couple of weeks- I’ve lost interest in the things that were making me happy a few weeks ago, I’m only sleeping 3-4 hours a night and every little thing makes me start crying. It’s not supposed to be like this. The gym is the only place that provides respite- because, for the most part, I am completely zoned out and just focused on getting through my workout. My body, on the other hand, is not finding respite there. I am losing endurance and strength, struggling to lift even half the weights I was lifting a few weeks ago and not bouncing back from my workouts.
I’m pushing it too far and risking losing out on it all completely. This, I know. And I want to pull in the reigns and get this back into control- yet there is this pull to keep pushing as far as I can go and see what could happen. Yup, it’s that angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
What do I think is going to happen?
One part of me thinks that this is fine. That I am fine. That working out isn’t supposed to be fun and I am just being pathetic/lazy.
The other part of me knows that exercise CAN be fun and it CAN be healthy and balanced. I’ve experienced that before so I know that it’s possible. That is the part of me that believes that there is so much more to life than just tolerating each day.That there are things to enjoy and take pleasure from if I could just focus on doing the things give me a true sense of accomplishment and make me feel as strong and healthy (mentally and physically) as I know it is possible to feel.
Yup, it’s that angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
************
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
“Which wolf will win?”
The old chief simply replied,
“The one you feed.”
Have you ever been in a situation when you are asked a question and you don’t want to lie but you don’t want to tell the truth? Nothing more awkward than squirming around trying to dance around the subject, not quite able to be honest. And that damn conscious of yours won’t let you just blurt out a lie.
That is how I feel right now. And that is part of my “bloggers block”. I don’t want to lie or gloss things over- that’s not what my blog is about and it definitely isn’t what I am about. But neither do I really want to face up to my truth.
I am struggling to maintain any semblance of sanity when it comes to my workouts. I don’t know when this started to unravel, but I started noticing after my personal training session on Saturday. I did a short warm-up followed by a pretty intense weight training session. In my mind, because I did less cardio, I hadn’t exercised enough. I came home riddled with anxiety and guilt. My body was tired, but I couldn’t sit still. I remember crying down the phone to my dad as I sped through the city streets trying to make up for my lost workout. That was the day I started keeping a food log for my trainer. This entire week I have been writing down precise quantities- the first time in several years that anyone will know exactly what I eat in a day. On one hand, I feel like it is too much, too ‘unclean’ too unbalanced. On the other hand, I am embarrassed by how meticulously calculated every morsel of food is and how my intake compares to what I know I should be eating. Yep, that’s an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
There is also the issue of trust with my trainer. I know I said I wanted to trust him- and I do WANT to. Except that I can’t. Because his goals are different from mine and “I” don’t trust his motives. [Me? My eating disorder? Whose goals are these?] His goals for me are healthy ones. His advice, from a non-eating disordered perspective, has been pretty well-rounded with good intentions. I know this on an intellectual level and yet I hold back from following his recommendations because my head isn’t screwed on in a healthy place right now. I know this. I just don’t know what to do about it.
I feel like there is electricity running through my head right now and I.can’t.think.straight. I have completely lost sight of what I am hoping to achieve or where I want to be in 3/6/12 months time. I need to regain some perspective, to step back and refocus.
I have been feeling so drained and unlike myself for the past couple of weeks- I’ve lost interest in the things that were making me happy a few weeks ago, I’m only sleeping 3-4 hours a night and every little thing makes me start crying. It’s not supposed to be like this. The gym is the only place that provides respite- because, for the most part, I am completely zoned out and just focused on getting through my workout. My body, on the other hand, is not finding respite there. I am losing endurance and strength, struggling to lift even half the weights I was lifting a few weeks ago and not bouncing back from my workouts.
I’m pushing it too far and risking losing out on it all completely. This, I know. And I want to pull in the reigns and get this back into control- yet there is this pull to keep pushing as far as I can go and see what could happen. Yup, it’s that angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
What do I think is going to happen?
One part of me thinks that this is fine. That I am fine. That working out isn’t supposed to be fun and I am just being pathetic/lazy.
The other part of me knows that exercise CAN be fun and it CAN be healthy and balanced. I’ve experienced that before so I know that it’s possible. That is the part of me that believes that there is so much more to life than just tolerating each day.That there are things to enjoy and take pleasure from if I could just focus on doing the things give me a true sense of accomplishment and make me feel as strong and healthy (mentally and physically) as I know it is possible to feel.
Yup, it’s that angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other…
************