I feel alive.
Life isn't perfect. Far from it. I'm struggling more these days with the eating disorder voice telling me to restrict or purge. But I'm fighting it. I'm tell it, "Fuck you." I'm eating anyway. I'm not purging.
Yes, I skip meals. I've drank more coffee in the past two months than I ever have in my life. I'm pulling out my hair. But I'm not depressed. I wake up in the mornings and I can get out of bed. It hasn't been so long ago that there were days and weeks and months at a time when I could not even do that.
I was telling my boss today that I go home after work and I'm usually asleep by 7 pm. She asked if I'm depressed and you know what...
I'M NOT!
I go to bed because I'm tired. Because I hate being lethargic at work and I honestly need about 10 - 11 hours of sleep. That's a lot of sleep, I know. But right now -- I can't stay up past 10 or 11 pm without binging and purging. That's playing with fire. So I go to bed. Recovery for me is about doing what's best for me in each moment and that means turning the lights out before Primetime begins. And I can live with that because I'm alive.
I'm alive!
And I'm really really appreciating my life.
Life isn't perfect. Far from it. I'm struggling more these days with the eating disorder voice telling me to restrict or purge. But I'm fighting it. I'm tell it, "Fuck you." I'm eating anyway. I'm not purging.
Yes, I skip meals. I've drank more coffee in the past two months than I ever have in my life. I'm pulling out my hair. But I'm not depressed. I wake up in the mornings and I can get out of bed. It hasn't been so long ago that there were days and weeks and months at a time when I could not even do that.
I was telling my boss today that I go home after work and I'm usually asleep by 7 pm. She asked if I'm depressed and you know what...
I'M NOT!
I go to bed because I'm tired. Because I hate being lethargic at work and I honestly need about 10 - 11 hours of sleep. That's a lot of sleep, I know. But right now -- I can't stay up past 10 or 11 pm without binging and purging. That's playing with fire. So I go to bed. Recovery for me is about doing what's best for me in each moment and that means turning the lights out before Primetime begins. And I can live with that because I'm alive.
I'm alive!
And I'm really really appreciating my life.