I actually let myself eat a little something extra tonight (a bowl of low-fat ice cream, if you must know), which resulted in my feeling full for once.
Let me be clear: I don't walk around hungry anymore. But I typically only let myself eat until I am "not hungry," which is slightly, but
perceptibly, different from feeling "full." Not hungry is just fine and dandy with me. I kind of like that state, where I'm not obsessing about food
all the freaking time, but I'm not...well...full.
This full feeling has me a bit agitated.
I ate too much, I think.
Surely, I ate too much and now I'm going to get fat and gross and... Wait a minute, Carrie.
Although my episodes of binging have been relatively few (and all of those were likely subjective binges), tonight's "extra" didn't leave me with the big
Lawd -have-mercy feeling, that there is so much food in my stomach I feel like
Sigorney Weaver in Alien. I wasn't
stuffed.
On the other hand, I don't really remember what
full feels like all that well. I know "a little bit hungry," "a lot hungry," and "not hungry," but full is (forgive me) a bit of an alien feeling. Is this what normal people feel after eating? Or is this more full than I should be? Could this be the discrepancy that leads towards weight gain?
Then again, it's just one little bowl of ice cream. Ah, if only my brain could be that consistently rational. It would be nice.
Maybe part of my issue is that "full" is an affirmative statement, while "not hungry" means I'm not a glutton, I do have control, I am in charge of the situation. Houston, we most definitely
don't have a problem. But feeling full means that I certainly did eat, and not just a trifling amount. Only in my eating disordered brain, full means "excess," it means no willpower. That I don't feel full often leads my brain to dwell on the novelty of the physical sensation of having a significant amount of food in my stomach.
I know food and eating should be more straightforward than this. I also know (intellectually, at any rate) that one bowl of ice cream is no big deal. It just feels way more difficult than it should be.
Let me be clear: I don't walk around hungry anymore. But I typically only let myself eat until I am "not hungry," which is slightly, but perceptibly, different from feeling "full." Not hungry is just fine and dandy with me. I kind of like that state, where I'm not obsessing about food all the freaking time, but I'm not...well...full.
This full feeling has me a bit agitated. I ate too much, I think. Surely, I ate too much and now I'm going to get fat and gross and...
Wait a minute, Carrie.
Although my episodes of binging have been relatively few (and all of those were likely subjective binges), tonight's "extra" didn't leave me with the big Lawd -have-mercy feeling, that there is so much food in my stomach I feel like Sigorney Weaver in Alien. I wasn't stuffed.
On the other hand, I don't really remember what full feels like all that well. I know "a little bit hungry," "a lot hungry," and "not hungry," but full is (forgive me) a bit of an alien feeling. Is this what normal people feel after eating? Or is this more full than I should be? Could this be the discrepancy that leads towards weight gain?
Then again, it's just one little bowl of ice cream. Ah, if only my brain could be that consistently rational. It would be nice.
Maybe part of my issue is that "full" is an affirmative statement, while "not hungry" means I'm not a glutton, I do have control, I am in charge of the situation. Houston, we most definitely don't have a problem. But feeling full means that I certainly did eat, and not just a trifling amount. Only in my eating disordered brain, full means "excess," it means no willpower. That I don't feel full often leads my brain to dwell on the novelty of the physical sensation of having a significant amount of food in my stomach.
I know food and eating should be more straightforward than this. I also know (intellectually, at any rate) that one bowl of ice cream is no big deal. It just feels way more difficult than it should be.