Leah, someone once described to me how much better she felt when empty. She was so convinced that it was food she wanted to be empty from. But you know me- I can't resist a chance to debate that one.
It took us awhile... various discussions and debates about what the emptiness was that she was after.
She finally was able to acknowledge (even though this was terrifying for her to have be true) that the emptiness she wanted was from feelings. What she has learned to fear (and therefore to hate) was feeling full of emotions. She had grown accustomed to the feeling of safety she got from feeling empty of feelings.
Being full of feelings seemed like the most dangerous, most out of control, most chaotic state she could imagine.
But she wasn't accurate about it being food she needed to be empty of- although I understood completely why it seemed like that was true. I mean, that's an eating disorder, right? It seems like it's all about food.
When, really, it's all about feelings.
Know, Leah, that you're not alone in how you feel. Know that each person who struggles to recover from an eating disorder must go up against this- and know that it's hard. But you aren't alone, and that's always a good thing :)