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Forgive me...

Posted Apr 16 2011 7:18pm

“…working my way back to you, babe, With a burning love inside; Hey, I’m working my way back to you, babe, And the happiness that died…” (Spinners, Working My Way”) … working my way back to 97 pounds, where I was the day before my birthday and my weekend of indulgence. And, I’m getting there quicker than I thought I would. As of this morning, I’ve lost a little more weight and I’m down to 98.3 and I won’t lie to you, I loved seeing that number. Today is a James Brown kind of dance day. “I Feeeeehl good…I knew that I would now, I feeeeehhhl gooood….!”

Yet at the same time, I feel the overwhelming urge to cry. Did I tell you that over those 4 days, from Thursday to Sunday, I consumed at least ¾ of a 9×13 pan of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, 1 pound of fudge and nearly an entire bag of dinner rolls by myself? Not to mention numerous pieces of fried chicken, a huge serving of bread pudding and ½ a piece of cherry pie…and that’s just what I can remember!! And I thought I would be okay with it because it was my gift to me, a get-out-of-dieting-and-calorie-counting-free-for-a-weekend card. And it was just one weekend!! But now I’m left with the disheartening task of regaining lost ground and I rather dislike myself for being so weak. If I wouldn’t have indulged those 4 days, I could be at 95 pounds or less right now.

A friend of mine posted a comment on the Blog, sharing with me her own experience with what I’m going through. This person understands exactly what I’m thinking and feeling and the post helped me because part of me feels so ashamed of myself and I took comfort in knowing that I’m struggling down a road much traveled. It’s probably more heavily travelled than any of us realize. And it’s the whole reason I started this blog. I hope my struggle will touch the lives of anyone else who feels like I do, who wants to be thin (or prettier, or more popular, or more important, etc.) more than they want anything else in the world. I hope they will read my story and will be saved from choosing this path. No…not choosing…I think it’s better to say, who have gotten lost on this path, who stumbled upon it by accident or those who are eyeing up the path of self-destruction. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t make a conscious decision to take on this beast. It found me and chained me before I realized what was happening. Where my fault lies though, is by remaining its willing captive. I want to be thin. And I listen, whole-heartedly when it whispers, “ being thin is the only thing that will ever set you apart. You are not loved, you are not liked, you are the least and the last, you are not, you are not you are not…but you are thin…”

I’m so blessed to have people who love and care no only about me, but have such a heart for my children. I have received numerous comments of concern for them and what influence this might have on them. This is an issue that I had already grappled with for a while because, obviously, I have been losing weight now for nearly a year and my eldest child sees me weighing food, sees me refusing to eat at a potluck lunch because I don’t know the calorie count, sees me eat a different meal than the rest of the family, hears me talk about not wanting to gain weight and that I think I’m fat and watches me count calories both at home and at the restaurant.

I noticed a few months ago, or more, that he was starting to make comments about needing to lose a few pounds, though in fairness, some of it stems from my husband too. My husband is watching his weight and his diet, but his ideals for watching his weight stem from something different than mine entirely. First, he has to change his eating habits for his health – he has high cholesterol. And secondly, he understands that the body is a temple of God, its where the precious Holy Spirit resides. The Children house the Spirit of God. So Husband is trying to be very careful what he puts into his body and eats well for that reason…or tries to most of the time Winking smile   . But my son started thinking that he needed to be watching his weight as well because we were.  When we heard him say it, we immediately addressed the issue with him. We talked to him about it and told him our reasons for watching what we eat and for losing weight was for our health. 

And this afternoon I sat down with him and we talked about it again. I told him what I would and will tell anyone if I have a chance and will tell my daughter if, and when, the time comes. Simply said, “Don’t be like me.” I told him why I’m struggling with this issue. I told him that he should never base his self-worth on appearance or let anyone dictate to him who or what he is, or is not and that ultimately, he needs to find his significance in God. He understands that. He told me that what makes you beautiful is who you are on the inside.

And I told him what I’m doing is….wrong. But I told him that because I feel that I should.

Not because I believe it.

I’m so sorry everyone…please, please understand and please forgive me. This is where I am in my struggle! There is a part of me that acknowledges this is wrong. But there is an even greater and far stronger part that doesn’t want to believe it, that refuses to believe it. Many of you have told me I’m battling Anorexia and some have told me I have an eating disorder. Many of you have voiced your concern of what could and, what you feel will, ultimately happen to me. You can tell me all of the bad things that could happen but, as my friend who shared her experience with us knows so well, you can tell me all of this until you have no more words left to use, but right now, it probably won’t do you any good. Because I can’t accept it and because more than anything, I just want to be thin and I’m scared to gain back the weight. Please God! Please, don’t let me gain weight!

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