Today was my last official day without Ryan home. Thank gosh! Not that I need someone to entertain me non-stop or anything like that, but being alone all night, every night after school, specifically around meal times, has been starting to get difficult.
Maybe it isn’t so much the meals, actually, but the desire to (over) exercise has been killing me. Before I actually cared to recover, being bored meant one thing…go to the gym. Of course there are many other things to do when one is bored. I could have read, cleaned, called a friend, blogged, but to me none of these things worked. I felt lazy sitting and being unproductive, so my mind went straight to the treadmill and the last few nights have been the exact same way.
It will be six o’clock, after dinner (because I’m secretly a 50-year-old woman that eats at 5 pm) and I will be standing in my kitchen, at my computer thinking, what now? My sisters never home, or she has her idiot boyfriend here (who I swear I hate more by the day…sorry I hope that’s not too inappropriate) so she isn’t really an option to hang out with. My mom lives in Jersey and has a fabulous new life that I had to admit I am jealous of, and I told you before I don’t have too many friends my age. So I find myself searching for local Zumba classes that I can take, or thinking it would be ok if I walked slowly on the treadmill and watched a movie, but then I come back to reality and realize tomorrow I have an appointment with my nutritionist and 30 more minutes of walking may not be the best idea.
Because of this ridiculous boredom I decided to have a nice night out, drive to King of Prussia and do my weekly grocery shop (hello Trader Joes and Whole Foods…best stores ever!!), and also treat myself to a casual meal at Panera Bread . Obviously this is nothing fancy, but I really like Panera, I barely ever eat food I don’t prepare, they have free wi-fi and it doesn’t seem totally weird being there by myself at a table.
When I get there I was thrilled to see they had my favorite soup…vegetarian black bean, and for some reason I REALLY wanted a turkey sandwich, so I ordered the “you pick two” with these choices, Baked Lays on the side for the much-needed crunch!
When the meals comes it is NOT a half portion of each, but instead a FULL sandwich and ginormous bowl of soup!!! This is the second time this happened at this particular Panera, and I was literally standing at the counter perplexed at what to do.
“I think you made a mistake, I ordered the half portions.” I said to the totally uninterested girl glaring at me underneath her Panera Bread hat.
“Oh…woops. Well I guess you get more than you paid for. Its you lucky day.”
I love the sarcasm of today’s youth. Was she joking?! LUCKY DAY?! This is my worst nightmare! Why? Because in my head there is an ED war waging that is clouding my ability to think!
The healthy side says, “who cares?! You are hungry, you never go out to dinner, you love this food, YOU NEED THE NOURISHMENT what’s the big deal?”
And then of course the devil replies, “Ugh, you didn’t plan for this. This is double the calories and you definitely don’t need all that extra when you just sat in a car for an hour.”
I’m still standing at the counter with the confused worker looking at me.
I half smile and take my plate to the booth furthest away from the other patrons and start to panic even more. My soup is getting cold and I hate cold things…nuclearly warm is my preference, so I needed to make a decision fast. I dissected the sandwich (totally a food ritual that I am trying to work on, I promise!) taking out all the meat and vegetables and pushed them to the side, intending on eating that portion and half the bread, with the entire bowl of soup. Seemed like a relatively middle ground and I thought I could handle that.
Gosh knows what came over me but I ate the whole damn plate. Baked Chips and all. Cursing myself on the way to the car I was so annoyed that my “nice evening out” had just turned into a stress-fest.
I text Ryan immediately, because he was with me when this happened before, and that time I did NOT eat the whole sandwich, and skipped the chips entirely.
He was thrilled that I consumed a “normal dinner.” “Maybe someone was trying to tell me something,” he said!
Did he not understand the negative self-talk that was occurring in my head right now?! I dreaded the hour-long ride home, thinking it couldn’t get any worse…and I was right!
It kind of got better!
I know I shared some quotes with you yesterday, but today I was walking down the hall and saw this on a poster…
“The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary…”Vince Lombardi
Why my mind flashed back to this quote I have no idea, but as I have told you before, I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and maybe I saw that today because someone knew I might need a little help tonight.
Recovery is work. Let’s be honest. Sometimes, actually most of the time, the process SUCKS. I am bloated and uncomfortable because bean soup isn’t exactly the most easily digested food to begin with, so coupling that with an abnormally large portion, for me, and it’s definitely time for some yoga pants. But I was reading some stories this afternoon, of others who are free from ED’s grasp, and they insist the journey is/was totally worth it. Even in their darkest moments of the present, they would never go back to miserable existence (notice I don’t say life) of being sick.
So tonight I am going to sit with this very-full tummy, NOT take the bike ride I was mentally planning as I walked to my car from the restaurant, and instead have my normal, meal-plan meeting, snack, engage in some fitblog chat, and maybe catch up on the Bachelor Pad Finale…all while remembering Mr. Lomabardi’s very wise words.