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Disconnected

Posted Sep 08 2011 12:31am
I've been feeling rather disconnected from things, almost as if there's a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world. I think the grim slog through recovery and meal after meal after snack is taking its toll. Plus, I think I'm already starting to sense the change in seasons, with the cloudy, rainy weather where we are combined with the shorter days. It just has me in a funk.

With work, I had a really busy week or two that's been followed by a really insanely slow week. This always makes me anxious. I like to stay busy. I do much better mentally if I'm solidly busy. Not so busy that I start to panic about whether I can manage things or get them done, but also enough so that I don't have lots of extra time to start and think about finances, about how everyone else's career seems to be going more smoothly than mine, etc, etc, etc.

It's sort of like how dogs need chew toys or else they eat the furniture. Dogs are going to chew on things, so they may as well do it on something non-damaging. My brain is the same way. It's going to be churning and thinking regardless, so it's much better if it's thinking about something productive (career stuff) than non-productive (senseless worries about money). When I'm focused on my goals, I don't have time to engage in the compare-and-despair routine.

With all of this--recovery exhaustion and increased anxiety--I've sort of found myself engaging with others less and less. You probably noticed that the frequency of blog posts has gone down. Some of it is that I am too tired to write, or I don't feel I have anything to say.  And I just care less about being around other people.  It's a LOT of effort for me to be social, so unless I push myself, I start to isolate. If being social didn't help me so much, it would probably be a lot easier.

Then, when I am out, it feels hard to relate to other people. Their issues are so different from mine: kids, husbands, and other things with which I have zero experience.  What stresses me out is so different, and it makes me feel more than a bit alienated. I mean, I'm 31 and still looking for a gold star when I eat cake. Kids? I can't imagine...

Hence the disconnect. Sometimes I feel that it's easier to disconnect from everyone than to try and connect and still feel that something's missing.  And there are days when I almost don't feel I have the energy to make the effort.

I'm not depressed, I don't think. I function. My mood is generally not all that bad. There's definitely a dip from normal, but nothing like I'm going off the rails. I'm (mostly) coping.  I just still get so tired sometimes of how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other.
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