Once you’re in a cycle, it’s so hard to break it. When something triggers me to eat, whether it be hunger or boredom or entitlement, the episodes of overeating and bingeing will last for days.
Every night, when my belly is full and I feel like shit, I tell myself, “Tomorrow I will compensate and barely eat a thing.” And then as soon as my eyes open it’s on, and the thoughts come flooding in, the thoughts that tell me to “fuck it” and that I “may as well” eat and eat and eat, because I’m a fatty anyway.
And so I do, and it’s like my body is addicted to eating, chewing, and swallowing; the physical feeling outweighing the emotional because eating when you are starved is better than sex.
And then when something finally clicks and I are able to break that cycle, I go into restriction mode, patting myself on the back for each day I didn’t even feel like eating more. I can go all day without eating, and even though I feel hungry, popping in a piece of gum that tastes like strawberry shortcake is enough to tide me over.
When I finally do eat my one meal of the day, I know it’s a gamble, because at any time it could be the day, the day that triggers me back into the other cycle, the cycle that makes me feel fat and disorganized and out of control again.
But if it doesn’t, I feel so good about myself, because this time, the emotional feeling outweighs the physical feeling because feeling in control seems to make your life go much smoother.
And when I toggle both, week after week, I get used to both, almost expecting those bad weeks, realizing it’s all just apart of your eating disorder. Neither is really better than the other, because both keep me from experiencing my real life to its full potential.