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curveballs

Posted Dec 07 2012 12:17pm

Leahv, I'm sure you know those sayings... about life throwing us curve-balls... or when life gives us lemons we can make lemonade...

Yeah, all those sayings make sense, and they're interesting, and they even can help us hold onto perspective.

When we've just been delivered a lemon, or a curve-ball, though, we aren't in the mood for (or even able to comprehend) "the big picture" or the "philosophical view" or the "lesson we'll learn," or anything else.

Mostly we just feel like we've been kicked in the gut. And the more surprised we are by the curve-ball, the more unexpected the curve-ball was, the more severe the kick in the gut- and the harder it is to breathe again.

Leah, believing you're carrying a healthy baby and then losing the pregnancy is an enormous kick in the gut. Just an enormous one. And a very unexpected one. Feeling angry, confused, sad, heart-broken, shocked, defeated, wanting to be in denial.... all of these are completely expected. That doesn't mean they are easy to feel. You're going to have all kinds of emotions rattling around inside you for quite awhile.

When we've been kicked in the gut the first order of business is to understand that we're in a kind of shock. This isn't a good time to take on big projects, fly fighter jets (unless you are a highly trained professional pilot I guess... but even then...), make huge decisions...

This is a time to just try to get our breath back and get stabilized- whether that means getting back to eating enough, getting back to sleeping, getting back in connection with those we care about... and this can take some time, depending on the kind of kick it was and how hard the kick was.

Only after we get ourselves a bit more stable can we begin to comprehend what has happened, and to begin to assess what, if any, action/s we want or need to take.

So, Leah, be gentle with yourself. Rest and try to be patient. There's a saying (yep, another saying...) that 'time heals all wounds'

Now, I'm not actually sure this is wholly accurate- I sort of think it's a bit perfectionistic in some way- you know, the idea that time is the cure-all for all wounds, or that all wounds heal fully and go away... but anyway, that's another topic... it's a nice sentiment and it has some merit. After all, time does give us a chance to change and evolve and work toward healing and/or recovery.

One other thing to consider and remember through the curveball process is that healing has it's own timeframe. I was talking to someone the other day who wanted to make the process go faster. I couldn't blame her- I mean, who wouldn't want to?? But if we try to rush the process we mostly get in its way, and not only does it not help, it can prolong or intensify the process.

So, even though the process can be a big challenge... it's best to let it be. Do your work, stay connected, take care of yourself... and try to maintain faith that your psyche does know how to handle a curveball and knows how to help you through it.

Best wishes Leah for a continued recovery with this loss.

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