You know how I am with images- always trying to come up with ways to make things make sense.
Well, here's one I found kind of interesting, and it seemed helpful to the person for whom I came up with it! That's always fun- when I can be amusing to myself and helpful to a client at the same time :)
This is one of those just about universal things for people who suffer from eating disorders- the idea that in order to be loved/liked/accepted/not abandoned/etc they have to "act perfectly" or "act pretty" or "act appropriately."
So, here's how you make the concrete image for this (and if I was clever with computer stuff I'm sure I could create this on the blog for you guys to see, but I'm SO not clever with computer stuff so hopefully I can come up with a description that is understandable so you guys can make this for yourselves...): get two pieces of paper, and on the one first draw a line all the way down the middle, long-ways. On one side of it write
connection and on the other write
behaviors/thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc. Now do the same thing on the other piece of paper.
On the first piece of paper we're going to illustrate how most, if not all, of you guys (sadly) believe connection works, and on the second we're going to illustrate how connection really does work (when it's healthy and the way it's supposed to be).
Look at your first piece of paper. Unfortunately, you believe (have somewhere along the way been taught that this is how life/connection works) that
connection varies directly with (corresponds directly to) how "pretty" your behavior etcis. Draw a scale along the long side of the behavior side (maybe 0 to 10, with 0 being "not pretty" and 10 being "pretty"). You worry that if you behave/think/feel/believe/etc at a, say, 2 "not very pretty," that how connected you get to be with people/someone will also be a 2. Make a dot at a 2 somewhere on the behavior etc side, and a dot at about a 2 somewhere on the connection side. Draw a line between the two of them. You also believe that if you can just behave at a 9 you have a better chance of getting to have connection at a 9. So, draw a dot at a 9 somewhere on the behavior side, and then a 9 on the connection side- then a line between the two of them. See how this works? You have come to believe that the level of connection you get to have is directly dependent upon "how pretty" your behavior etc is. Freaky, isn't it...
Make a few more dots on the behavior side and then the corresponding dot on the connection side, with the line between them, just to really drive home the point to yourselves.
Now, this is how connection is
supposed to work: take the second piece of paper and add the "prettiness of behavior etc" scale to the long side. Make one (yes, one) dot somewhere on the connection side, maybe around a 9 or 10- somewhere high on the scale. Now, make any number of dots of the behavior etc side, all over the place. And, you know that line that goes down the middle of the page? Make it like a triple line- really strong- to indicate that the two sides of the paper are not related. The two sides, in reality, have nothing to do with each other. Nothing. So don't draw any lines between dots.
By now, you should have lots and lots of dots all over the behavior etc side. And they should range from 0 to 10 and back again, all over the place.
Here's the reality about connection: your connections to people you care about
does not vary with (correspond to) your behavior/thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc. Really. Your connections get to stay right where they are, strong as can be, no matter what you are up to in any given day. You can think whatever you think, feel whatever you feel, believe whatever you believe... and your connections are supposed to stay right where they are. So, wherever your dots are on the behavior side, there's only one unmovable dot on the connection side.
This would have been a lot easier to illustrate to you guys if I was computer-graphic clever... oh well... hopefully it made sense to you and you were able to create the charts. As usual, ask further questions if something isn't clear! Otherwise, have fun playing around with this idea of how connection really does work :)
You know how I am with images- always trying to come up with ways to make things make sense.
Well, here's one I found kind of interesting, and it seemed helpful to the person for whom I came up with it! That's always fun- when I can be amusing to myself and helpful to a client at the same time :)
This is one of those just about universal things for people who suffer from eating disorders- the idea that in order to be loved/liked/accepted/not abandoned/etc they have to "act perfectly" or "act pretty" or "act appropriately."
So, here's how you make the concrete image for this (and if I was clever with computer stuff I'm sure I could create this on the blog for you guys to see, but I'm SO not clever with computer stuff so hopefully I can come up with a description that is understandable so you guys can make this for yourselves...): get two pieces of paper, and on the one first draw a line all the way down the middle, long-ways. On one side of it write connection and on the other write behaviors/thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc. Now do the same thing on the other piece of paper.
On the first piece of paper we're going to illustrate how most, if not all, of you guys (sadly) believe connection works, and on the second we're going to illustrate how connection really does work (when it's healthy and the way it's supposed to be).
Look at your first piece of paper. Unfortunately, you believe (have somewhere along the way been taught that this is how life/connection works) that connection varies directly with (corresponds directly to) how "pretty" your behavior etcis. Draw a scale along the long side of the behavior side (maybe 0 to 10, with 0 being "not pretty" and 10 being "pretty"). You worry that if you behave/think/feel/believe/etc at a, say, 2 "not very pretty," that how connected you get to be with people/someone will also be a 2. Make a dot at a 2 somewhere on the behavior etc side, and a dot at about a 2 somewhere on the connection side. Draw a line between the two of them. You also believe that if you can just behave at a 9 you have a better chance of getting to have connection at a 9. So, draw a dot at a 9 somewhere on the behavior side, and then a 9 on the connection side- then a line between the two of them. See how this works? You have come to believe that the level of connection you get to have is directly dependent upon "how pretty" your behavior etc is. Freaky, isn't it...
Make a few more dots on the behavior side and then the corresponding dot on the connection side, with the line between them, just to really drive home the point to yourselves.
Now, this is how connection is supposed to work: take the second piece of paper and add the "prettiness of behavior etc" scale to the long side. Make one (yes, one) dot somewhere on the connection side, maybe around a 9 or 10- somewhere high on the scale. Now, make any number of dots of the behavior etc side, all over the place. And, you know that line that goes down the middle of the page? Make it like a triple line- really strong- to indicate that the two sides of the paper are not related. The two sides, in reality, have nothing to do with each other. Nothing. So don't draw any lines between dots.
By now, you should have lots and lots of dots all over the behavior etc side. And they should range from 0 to 10 and back again, all over the place.
Here's the reality about connection: your connections to people you care about does not vary with (correspond to) your behavior/thoughts/feelings/beliefs/etc. Really. Your connections get to stay right where they are, strong as can be, no matter what you are up to in any given day. You can think whatever you think, feel whatever you feel, believe whatever you believe... and your connections are supposed to stay right where they are. So, wherever your dots are on the behavior side, there's only one unmovable dot on the connection side.
This would have been a lot easier to illustrate to you guys if I was computer-graphic clever... oh well... hopefully it made sense to you and you were able to create the charts. As usual, ask further questions if something isn't clear! Otherwise, have fun playing around with this idea of how connection really does work :)