Confusion leads to anger... will anger lead to hate?
Posted Sep 12 2008 3:31am
Enough sitting around looking at the hedges... My stress bucket is overflowing; time to relieve some of the emotions.
I am angry at my brother - what he did was horrible and impacted my life in so many ways; still impacts how I view my body and intimacy. I've had to and continue to work so damn hard on healing from what he did to me when I was an impressionable pre-teen.
And yet, I see him as he is now - a man in his mid-30s, father of 4 beautifully amazing girls, husband to a woman with Crohns (among other medical problems,) seemingly devoted, dedicated, adoring and caregiving...
I can't help but wonder why he ever touched me the way that he did. Why did he molest me?
Is this a mask that he wears - this seemingly saintliness? Or is this the real thing - a man who regrets his actions and attempts atonement?
My heart leads me to believe that he is the real thing - he truly regrets the torment he put me through and lives his life as "good" as he possibly can to somehow, someway make up for the pain he caused me, his only sister.
When I first discussed these events with John, my therapist, I had said that I wanted to know why Tom molested me. He replied that there was no good reason for what he did to me. "It was all bad."
But a part of me would like to have that dialogue with Tom - someday in the distant future. I think I deserve to know why the hell he didn't think about what he was doing; why he cared so little about me; why he treated me as less than human. I wonder if knowing his not-ever-going-to-be-good-enough reasons will ease my anger? I wonder if knowing why, from his perspective, will help me heal...
But then, there was no good reason for him molesting his younger sister. None. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Zero.
So would hearing any reason help me feel less anger? Or would it just piss me off more to have validated that there is no good reason?
I feel so angry. I have every right to. John said that I may always be angry and that is absolutely okay.
So why do I want to get rid of my righteous anger?
Because my brother is a nice guy...now.
I hate that. It would be a hundred times easier if he was slimy or cruel or evil.
But he isn't. There is good in him, and damnit, he lets it show.
So, is anyone surprised that I feel for Padme and Luke?**
* I've been watching a lot of Star Wars lately. For those in the dark, my main man, Yoda, says "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." ** Even though Darth Vader did some terrible things, Padme and Luke believed that there was good in him and could be turned back to the light.