Overcoming being sick, and being as unsuccessful as I have been, requires an immense amount of patience from me, my body, my family members, support team, etc.
I am sad to say I feel like my poor husband has had more patience with me, than I am currently able to give myself.
Essentially some days I feel like I am running on fumes, going through the motions of what I know is the “right” thing to do in the recovery world but I don’t accelerate or push hard because I simply don’t have the energy.
Some times I question if I am even doing ENOUGH of the “right” things because my body is physically still very tired.
Saturday night after dinner, Ryan and I sat down for a little post-meal relaxation and although we put on one of our favorite mind-less shows (The guiltiest pleasure ever…MOB WIVES) about five minutes into it we started having a conversation that was much much needed.
I have had a lot on my mind lately that I was really embarrassed to vocalize, and I think he could tell after our brunch out earlier that day.
My friend Lauren introduced me to the Hershey Pantry earlier this year when she organized a blogger meet-up and it has been a local favorite of mine ever since.
Ryan LOVES breakfast food, and the small cafe really does know how to serve some pretty fabulous a.m. treats, so I thought we might try it out to fuel up before a day of boring old chores.
I was craving an egg white omelette with veggies in the worst way, because for some reason, no matter how hard I try, mine just never get as good as when I order them out. And of course I went through my schpeel with the waitress….three egg white garden omelette with no butter, oil or cheese, and a dry piece of sunflower seed toast on the side.
*Now is when you can judge me for still eating only egg whites, vegetables, and a dry piece of bread even though I am trying to recover…
My breakfast was delicious but on our way home I was “crungry.”
This is my word to describe me lately when I am hungry, because I definitely manifest my internal appetite through being cranky…cranky-hungry= “crungry.”
“Do you think I had enough to eat?” I asked my husband when we got in the car.
“What do you think?”
He turned the question back on me because he knows there probably is no right answer.
If I did eat enough it means nothing else was touching my lips until dinner, regardless of what my stomach wanted. And if I didn’t eat enough it could potentially lead to an argument about me never doing anything right, but the truth was, my tummy was still definitely grumbling, and I wanted him to tell me I needed more so I had a sort of permission to eat…
(Obviously at 24 I need someone to tell me it is ok to consume food.)
When we got home I ate some greek yogurt and a handful of almonds because we agreed those components helped make a more well-rounded and appropriate meal. Finally, I felt satisfied.
Let’s fast forward to our 7 PM chit-chat.
“I am often still hungry after we eat….I feel like my body wants too much…I feel like I could eat more than what my nutritionist says I “should…” I feel like I am out of control…”
I continued rambling things off as he just listened and absorbed the fifteen minute rant that just kept coming.
And finally, for some goodness knows reason, I ended with “And I miss having a glass of wine.”
With that he stopped me and he smiled bigger than I have seen him smile in a while.
But let me explain before you think I have an alcohol addiction on top of an eating disorder…
I completely STOPPED drinking when I got really sick. Part of it was because a lot of the medicines I take do not mix well with alcohol, BUT the main reason was because I deemed any form of liquid calories as unnecessary and a waste.
Even in college I never was a huge party-er, nor did I consume a great amount of alcohol in comparison to some of my friends, but I did LOVE a good glass of wine.
The first time Ryan and I went to Europe we were in heaven. The tiny little trattorias that were so proud to bring us tastes of their house wine stored in barrels behind the bar…the flights we shared after touring a private vineyard or going to a ticketed event…
We LOVED experiencing the local flavors and passion that went into each bottle or glass.
We loved being on vacation, totally relaxed, and selecting a different variety every night to toast and sip as a we enjoyed being with one another and counting our blessings for how at such a young age we were able to travel alongside the person we were spending the rest of our lives with.
We danced, we made friends, I was WAY WAY WAY less uptight, and the next morning he and I would go to the gym, rock-climb, mini-golf, whatever else we wanted, because life did not change due to the calories in my one or two glasses of a beverage I liked.
The point really is not about the wine, or alcohol, but more about LIFE!
On our honeymoon, and first cruise through the Mediterranean I was ALIVE.
WE were alive and vibrant as a newly married couple.
When I told him how much I craved a taste of Dave Matthew’s Table Red last week at the Monticello Wine Trail Festival, but for some reason could not even bring myself to letting it sit in my glass, Ryan felt like maybe I am getting to the point where I see all the things I have been missing.
People have told me their turning points in recovery are when their patience wears thin….when they get “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” And for the first time ever, I kind of feel like I am getting there.
I am leaving for Europe in a little over a month.
My family and I are going on our first family trip in years to the Walt Disney World Food and Wine Festival in 6 months.
Damnit I do not want to spend those moments sitting on the side lines sipping water with lemon, envying my loved ones for their genuine smiles and laughs.
I hate that I go through every day being “crungry” because I am mad at myself for NEEDING food.
2,500 calories is not astronomical as I once said.
It may be in the “healthy living blog world,” but for my body, maybe it isn’t.
The closer I come to eating more “normal” meals, like the ones I did in college when I was at a great weight for me, cheering, being active and loving life, not religiously logging calories in a stupid phone app, the more I realize I probably ate even more than 2500 back then and Ryan thought I was sexy…not fat.
The more I give my body fats like guacamole, hummus, nuts and nut butters, rather than packaged puffed wheat and other low-calorie snacks, the better and more satisfied I feel.
I am exhausted of feeling bored and lifeless, and that is why I am so inpatient. Because rationally I do see there is something better out there, but my mental state is taking so long to give me permission to just plunge right in and get there.
Damn you brain, can you please start working more than 10% of the time?!?!?!!
I was fortunate to have a cognitively GREAT weekend, but I need to continue reminding myself of the things I learned to stay on this positive path, because as soon as the negativity pushes in, its like a front that won’t go away.
Sorry for the long post on a monday; I really am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.