A few months ago my old counselor, who I had been seeing pretty much the entire duration of my outpatient treatment, told me she wanted to me to go to an extensive residential program, or sign a contract stating if I did not make a certain amount of progress by such and such a date, then she would no longer see me/I would have to go away. The agreement would be signed by my mom, husband, herself and me, since I technically do not have the right to make these decisions alone (that went out the window last year when I would continually beg to be signed out of facilities early).
When I brought the proposition home to my family, they suggested it might be time to see someone else, and get a different prospective considering I was still in the same ED mentality I had when I first started “recovery.”
It took me a while but I found someone through a referral that worked with out insurance and was willing to give me a try.
I was pretty hesitant because this doctor is a man.
I have nothing against men, but I have never worked with a male counselor before, and as we all know, I totally fear the unknown.
I was also skeptical because he is not labeled an “ED therapist.”
I personally never thought anything of it. A therapist is a therapist, but when I told some of my loved ones he didn’t work primarily with ED patients they all seemed to think it might be a strange fit.
Honestly, I am just ready to get a fresh outlook, and after our first hour, he made me think about things I never even considered before that point.
Maybe it could be the start of a good relationship?
The point of me telling you all this is because after I asked for advice, help, etc. and apologized for my round robbin year of posts, I started to realize my way of recovering is kind of “broken.”
You know the saying, “if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.” Well since I am in serious need of being “fixed,” and I am obviously not anywhere close to being whole, it is time for some new methods.
Method change 1, my Wednesday appointment.
That was a relatively easy one, but upon reading feedback from all of you, there are a ton of other areas that need work.
*Obviously I should have known this, but like I said yesterday, I think I was/am in some major denial.
I need to eat more. Duh, right?! I mean this is not rocket science, and I am definitely consuming more than when I was in my phases of restriction, but there are times during the day when my stomach starts to grumble and I ignore it because I know lunch is in an hour, or I panic because it isn’t the right “time” to eat, or heaven forbid it would make me go over the amount of calories I think is sufficient (which, as you probably have guessed is less than what my actual nutritionist suggests).
During these times wouldn’t it be sensible to have a snack? Or perhaps I should go back to a timed food structure. Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, night snack…
I completely disregarded my old schedule because that wasn’t what people did. People don’t eat like that…it’s too often…too much…not practical, what if I am not hungry?!
I had every excuse in the book, and since I didn’t have 24/7 accountability, it was pretty easy to abide by my own way.
2. Get out of my box
I need to leave the safety zone in a lot of ways.
I have tried more fear foods lately, but as I also pointed out yesterday, I then make up for it in other aspects of my recovery and believe that’s ok.
Well, it is not.
I need to not only get more comfortable with scary items, but also provide myself with enough to get my body back to a healthy state, not just pick one or the other.
And as much as I hate to admit this, I must challenge my beliefs that a person NEEDS to exercise in order to deserve food.
I legitimately do enjoy working out. Activity is a big part of Ryan and my lives, but if I am sick or extremely exhausted, I shouldn’t have to compulsively wake up before the sun to get on the treadmill.
I wont lie to you and tell you I am going to eliminate my walks, or stop going to Zumba once a week, but it is time to re-evaluate what is truly appropriate and necessary for me getting well at this point, and that could mean taking a stroll with my husband and our dogs, rather than my iPod and an inclined machine.
3. Suck it up
Admitting and accepting are two vey key components to conquering any form of addiction. I learned that day one in health class during the drug and alcohol unit and it is pretty damn applicable to a lot of things in life.
As far as the admitting part goes, words, especially my words, don’t always mean much.
I have “acknowledged” my problem for a long time now, by going to clinics, paying seriously hefty doctor fees, and even playing along in the recovery game, but have I ever truly embraced and accepted my behaviors were unhealthy?
No. I consider them to be “my normal.”
This is just the way it is…as good as it gets….
But I am hoping to God that is not the case.
I am hoping that not every normal sized lunch of a sandwich, pretzels and a Luna bar isn’t completely traumatizing.
I am praying that I don’t even think about those things beyond, “oh my goodness that was tasty and now I have the energy to move forward with my day.”
And although that will not be the case tomorrow, or even probably next week, maybe each time, meal, snack, I practice, it will get easier.
That being said, the inevitable outcome will be weight gain.
This sucks and I hate that it has to be that way, but after seeing some pictures from my future step-father’s birthday party a few weekends ago, my body COULD stand to gain a few pounds.
I hate the feeling that comes with increased calories, less exercise, etc.; the feeling that everything is sitting right on your midsection, bloating, flab, excess fat, but I need to focus on the fact that it is temporary, weight will redistribute and someday my legs wont look disgusting anymore, and my tummy will no longer look pregnant.
But I will be an overall happier, more pleasant, productive, young woman, who isn’t at risk of dying from her own devices every second of the day.
More specifically this means…
2500 calorie minimum plan
A goal weight of ____ that will get me to at least an 18.5 bmi
Checking of foods on the fear list without further restriction or over compensatory movement