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Bones, Bones, Brittle Little Bones.

Posted Oct 01 2008 5:08pm
Today my talking Yoda died. Well his batteries did. My future is over! I can no longer squeeze his hands to have my questions answered! I need to fix him. Anyway, life is funny. I feel so utterly confused about so many things. I think when I was 9 I just imagined my life being a lot different than it is. I figured I would have graduated college by now, and if I hadn't gotten sick so frequently I definitely could have graduated by now. It's sad to think about where I envisioned my life heading, and how it never quite got there. I always would have thought nothing would happen, this would be the last time, no one else will hurt me, and then they would. Then I would shatter. Though nothing has happened to me since I was 19, which I am so grateful for and feel really blessed about. I just think it's a little sad I feel so grateful nothing has happened to me in 4 years, nothing should have happened. And I really don't mean to dwell in the past and I promise I am not bitter about any of it, I am just sad about how I let it affect my life. How I let those things poison me. How I created this eating disorder to control my life, then I let it control me, which put me in treatment twice. Now I am left trying to pick up where I left off. But I have lived my entire adolescents up till now with this eating disorder and I don't know how to just pick up where I left off because that would land me at age 12. So much has happened! I don't know how to be 23 and not have an eating disorder. I don't want one anymore, I am so sick of it, but I just don't know any other way of life. Not yet at least. I am trying to create a new life, my realistic imagination is lacking though. I don't know how to be normal. Anything remotely difficult throws me back into restricting and I feel like I go back 20 steps. Then I try and do better, forward 10. It's a cycle that is getting me no where. I am neither recovered nor sick. I am stuck in this limbo with a sick mind and a healthy body. I don't know where I belong. Yet still I want to have both. I think I am done venting now, I  am just feeling a little lost tonight and wishing it were easier. Wishing my life could have been where I saw it being by now. I do know that no matter where I am at, I am here because ultimately that is how I chose to respond to life. It is only my fault. 
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