Despite having a good hair day and feeling skinny, I felt a little blue all day. I’m blaming my looming 26th birthday aka my late 20s and yet I still wonder when I’m going to grow up. I hardly eat on my kitchen table (it’s covered in sewing and craft supplies), I still call my mom before making any important life decisions, I still laugh at fart jokes (and tell them), I color when I’m stressed (I might have a coloring book or five), and I watch the occasional Disney movie. I do pay my bills and have a full time job but it’s not like it’s a choice. I can either work and pay for my life or I can learn to love living in the great outdoors..so it’s more of a survival thing as opposed to a grown up thing. I guess I’m feeling blue because life is still really confusing and by the time you hit your late 20s, you’re supposed to have your sh*t together (and if you’ve never read my blog…I don’t).
Yes there is a shopping cart in my apartment. And no, it’s not always there.
Since I don’t need to spend hours shoe shopping (seriously I’ve bought three pairs of shoes in the past two days but they were on sale), I decided to go to yoga. Because I spent too long looking at shoes, I was running late for yoga literally. I ran the last mile to Tranquil Space and I was NOT happy. Two years ago, a mile was nothing. Today, a mile left me super sweaty, panting, and red faced (let me tell you, it’s a super cute look). I barely made it into class on time. And because I was feeling blue and rushed, I had a really difficult time centering during my practice. My mind kept racing and I couldn’t remember my intention. I could only focus on the pain in my knee and obsess about the fact that yoga used to be so much easier when I was 103lbs (especially when the flow was tough like it was today). I collapsed into shavasana with overwhelming exhaustion and self pity. Instead of lying on the studio floor, I wanted to be curled up in my bed, completely hidden from the world.
Obligatory emo self portrait to show off my self pity and fabulous hair.
Then my teacher read a passage from a book (whose name eludes me) about moving beyond your body and just finding stillness. And I remembered why I practice. I don’t practice to lose weight, I don’t practice to wear cute yoga clothes, I don’t practice because it’s trendy. I practice to bring stillness in my life, the stillness that is lacking in the real world. When my mind is racing and the world is spinning around me, I can find the stillness and the acceptance in yoga. So even though my practice today was filled with self doubt and frustration, I know that even for a few brief moments I found the stillness I need and I’ll return to the mat regardless of my body image or negative thoughts. Eventually, I’ll be able to completely shut off my mind during practice but I will take the few moments I find right now.
Even though I didn’t feel fantastic during the day, my food was FABULOUS. I loved every single meal that I ate today. For breakfast I had a mini broccoli and cheese quiche (it was so adorable, I wish I could have my camera at work), apple juice, and applesauce. For lunch, I had a quesadilla and rice with salsa. And last but not least for dinner I had Chana Marsala:
With a side of minted peas and carrots:
Even though I’ve only being doing the diets to go for two days, I’m really impressed with the quality and quantity of food. Several of my meals have included drinks with calories. Normally I avoid drinks with calories but I’ve really enjoyed drinking the juice. I know this sounds silly but 1600 calories sounds like a lot of calories to my eating disordered brain. So having part of my calories as drinks helps me deal with my food/calorie fears. Plus juice is delicious!
I’m a bit worried about tomorrow because our boss is taking us out for lunch and even if I wasn’t doing the meal plan, there is nothing I really want at the restaurant. I think I’m going to order a side salad and nibble throughout lunch then eat my real lunch when we get back to the office. Is that weird? Or do you think I have the right to control what I eat? Frankly, eating out is stressful and I’d rather just do my own thing.
Do you ever struggle during your yoga practice? And how do you feel about eating out?