I absolutely dread the time when Ryan transitions from his 12 hour day shift to nights.
To me it means a few hours of lonely time, trying to figure out what the heck to do to keep my mind off the negative body image thoughts that just wont go away lately, or the food I want to avoid eating tomorrow, the hate for 9 p.m snack, and definitely an earlier bed time because I just want to escape.
The above confession sounds pretty pathetic, huh?
I especially feel bad because so many of you have been tremendously supportive and expressed your pride in how well I had been doing.
I haven’t slipped terribly, but I think I mentioned last week that since my little bout with the stomach flu, I am wishing I could go back to my virus meal plan; meaning a smaller appetite.
I am not blaming my immense desire to restrict on having a bug. My temptation to go back to ED behaviors has way more to do with all the changes and upheavals occurring in the Weaber household, without a doubt, but that doesn’t mean that nagging negative voice isn’t with me pretty much every hour of every day.
So what does this mean for me? And how do I know I am not making progress in my recovery?
Warning signs are everywhere.
I am not sleeping, my weight gain has kind of stalled, I am bored and disinterested or have trouble concentrating and I am absolutely obsessing about food and exercise.
Hello, all these things are major red flags.
The first step I need to take, I actually just did. Outwardly saying I need assistance or acknowledging that there might be a bit of a problem.
Step number two, identify more specifically what is behind these maladaptive needs for ED behaviors and figure out how to “fix” or deal with it, minus acting on the unhealthy desires.
Let me pause here for a sec. because this is where I am running into a problem.
I know exactly what is causing my need for control and comfort. Like I said before, it is the multiple changes taking place, feeling overwhelmed, stress, fear…
Since I have been doing this for awhile I am pretty darn good at pin pointing what exactly is the driving force behind my little road blocks, BUT I run into some hardships when I can’t really do anything about them.
I cannot change that my mom sold her home.
I cannot change that Ryan has a work schedule that is sometimes difficult for me to handle.
I cannot change that he will be spending 3 weeks in Colorado come February.
The list goes on and on and on…
BUT what I can do is USE MY HEALTHY COPING STRATEGIES to alleviate boredom, which then translate into way too much negative self-talk, and I can ACCEPT that I have these feelings.
I have written a ton on healthy coping strategies so I will definitely not bore you with that, today, but something I haven’t really mentioned much before is the need to STOP judging and acceptance.
Crying is weak. Anger is bad. Being sad is unproductive. You are a loser for being so emotional.
Do you know what those statements are?
Besides the fact that they are UNTRUE, they are also JUDGEMENTS…mean, inaccurate judgments that do not do any good for mental and emotional health.
So instead of me criticizing myself for crying or being a bit weapy, I need to actually sit and process how wiping a tear or the physical sensation of being tense from sobbing makes me feel, and work on being ok with it.
Then perhaps it is time to reframe and think about what I have to be grateful for, why I need to push through and actually FEEL these things rather than numb out on a treadmill that is exhausting my body.
This isn’t necessarily the “goals for 2012” entry some of you may have been expecting, but honestly, I try to set goals for myself every day. If once a year works for you, awesome, but I tend to forget the “resolutions” I set, 3 weeks into January. So for today, my objective is to engage in some self-care before I head back to work.
Read, make the traditional central PA New Year’s Day good luck meal of Pork and Sauerkraut, and maybe watch a little bit of DVRed trashy tv.
If I end up feeling sad later because I alone in my living room watching another Chopped marathon, so be it.
I hope you had a fabulous holiday, and I know you WILL have a happy, healthy, and whole, New Year!