A Battle Won But Not The War

Warning: I'm about to get REALLY personal here. So I had my enocrinologist appt. on Monday to get some blood tests done and see what's up with my hormones. In college, I started taking Yasmin the birth control pills and continued using them for about 5 years. During this time was my intense bout with my eating disorder. With my large weight loss I also had severe depression and horrible hair loss at my temples. I attributed this to the pills so I stopped taking them about a year and a half ago. Since then, I have not had my period. I discussed this with the doctor and he put me on a different birth control, some generic brand of Orthocyclen. Anybody use these? I did some research and found that one of the side effects is hair loss! That's the last thing I need. I used to wear my hair up all the time and now it's impossible. It was so bad people were asking me if I had cancer or going through chemo. A 26-year old should not have this problem! Now I wear my hair down and ALWAYS have either or hairband or hat on. Anybody notice this in my pictures? Yup, it's that bad.

And I can't believe I'm writing this right now while I'm crying.

With all the positive energy you guys give on your blogs and Operation Beautiful, my self esteem is still so low. Last night I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was losing the war and that I will never recover. DON'T LET YOURSELVES GET LIKE THIS!! I wish I could turn back the time before this mess.

He also suggested that I have gained weight but hit a plateau. I need to up my calories AGAIN by adding a protein bar or another mini-meal. This scares the hell out of me. How can I eat more when I don't have the hunger? When will I know how to stop with the calories and not balloon up? So that's what's going on in my eating disorder world.