At 6.34pm on New Year's Eve (2009) I recieved a life changing email, discreetly slipped into my facebook inbox with hopeful and trembling fingers. I knew the sender so well that I had to sit down, even though I've yet to meet him.
Are you my long lost niece called "Heroine/girl" - I am your mother's brother and we have been looking for you all of our lives."
My fingers throbbed along the keyboard, impatiently tapping out a urgent call, one that I'd been hurting to heal for ever so long, for twenty-two years in fact. Discovery and connection pinged in the air around me, two outstretched hands in the muddle of cyberspace - could this be my final act of hope and desperation on this matter? Was a resolution coming down the wire?
Yes, I am her!!! Is this a joke? (Although, I knew by his name this was most fortunately not.) I have never forgotten you.. Do you know my Mother - is she alive. I mean, I know she had terminal cancer and that two years ago we came painfully (so painfully) close to connecting before the door was shut, whispers and shadows flourished you out of my sight. This is she, I am the daughter of (name witheld) Please write me urgently.
I knew the eventual reply would change my life forever. My bipolar brain was screeching at me to be careful; I don't know if we are ready for this (it said.) But we must, (I implored)
I can't die not knowing. This time, maybe it is the REAL THING! My eyes kept flickering to the inbox number, willing it to change and bring with it some consolation for my poor, tired and broken heart. My mother - my real mother could be only minutes (gasp!) away. Two decades of deceit, false leads, brainwashing, abuse of all kinds both of sin and substances - has it all boiled down to ... Facebook?!
The reply, thankfully, came exactly five minutes later. It was no joke, they had found me. She was never dead, there was only celebratory joy on this wonderful, stupendously delightful New Year's Eve.
My mummy collapsed when they told her that I was alive, that I still yearned for her as much as the day when I was merely seven years old and too young to understand why she left me forever that fateful July afternoon. My burning eyes watching her stationwagon shimmer on the hot tar, I wouldn't blink as I wanted every second of my last few moments with her in my sights. I knew, she was gone. I knew, that I would be kept hidden from her as that was what drove her to leave me that day, a broken spirit was the aftermath of a custody battle that saw her lose.
Those 22 years haven't dissolved but a new weight has been lifted (as cliche as it sounds, it's very true) We have spoken through people and I am being careful and intrepid with our reunion. I want it to be everything special and nothing out of the ordinary also. A delicate mix of whimsy and strength, for blood has found blood and we are together again.
I'm flying now, on a bright silver meteor and I'm gonna catch me some stars.
p.s love you all for being there. Thank you for the comments. I felt you should know as soon as I could, we have traversed these planets of pain and regret together. I know some of you will be pleased as another chapter comes to a close.