Well it's been ages since I paid this blog the TLC it deserves (did you know I have 64 thousand links to all the heroinegirl writings) and I thought, no more hiding! I want to start writing again. I love writing and I don't do it enough. It's a new day and I thought the place needed a little "sprucette" due to the fact this post is Number 100 - wow. That's pretty piss poor of me. I mean for a bipolar exhibitionistic with manic tendancies and colourful past, I have skipped the last year at very least. You know, I haven't really even scratched the surface of what I wanted to write, of how much more of me I wanted to divulge. I got caught up in common fears of people I didn't want in my head reading my stuff. I really like the anonmity to write, it's much more liberating. But, I can't bullshit myself even a tiny amount. I am too proud of who I am and what I've been through and survived. It needs my name.
My only legit concern over using my real details is nasty Internet identity theft and reputations - shit, since when did I care what others thought? I remember when I lost my passport in a nightclub when I was 19, in Surfers Paradise (think Miami on valium) and even though I did fret someone in Pakistan had stolen my entire identity and was smuggling tiger penis, nothing actually happened. That I know of - ok let's move on, hindsight makes me nervous.
I know some people (old school friends and jerks) read this that want to know me NOW, want to see how I am doing now. This blog is only one part of my life, a side to a story. Because, let's face it, I don't know how to spell most of the incredible words I think and speak, and I literally think of a million controversial and opposing thoughts a day, it would make terribly incoherrent reading. I try and be one sane voice. In the past, it has been a more reflective voice. If you don't know me by now then I suggest you probably will not ever know me in the real life sense as my blog is more a reflective experience for me and not a social networking tool or me trying to be popular. I am totally ok with one reader or one million, now that I know what I want to write. It's been a long time coming to find my voice and a lot of false starts. I had to find my peace. I have it with my gorgeous boyf and my life is much more stable to reflect now, whereas before I was still way too close to the fire. I was using on and off and in denial about why I did this and why I couldn't move on in my life and tackle lifes bigger challenges. I do tackle them now and I'd like to write more about them, record my progress and laugh about any misgivings *hopefully we deal with humour, as it is the most sophisticated response to pain. remember that. Laugh and live.
You won't find any lies here, but I write as my art, so it isn't all at once so dramatic or even serious sometimes. I think I have to accept, ok maybe the world needs to know that I have multiple personalities. Phew, that was hard. It's sitting there, in print. Hmm. Without getting overtly technical and coming over all freudian, I believe I have three dominant personalities and I am ok about it, as they are all me. I am not possessed in a demonic schizophrenic instance. No voices (which really are the person's deepest subconcious longings) . But definately moods. Like day and night. It's hard to predict how I will feel or more like, who I will be feeling like. One of my favorite persona's is of course my mania. Every thorn in a bipolar side. She is sparkly and super confident. Optimistic. Charming. If it strode down the street, my personality would be wearing razor sharp heels and a mink coat (faux, natch.) It's my hero and it's my enemy. But it is all my mania, it's just not all of me.
I have other personalities but I have never wrote when I feel in that frame of mind. Debbie Downer really aint a light read. Not that I am that depressed thesedays. The drugs (chemist ones!) pretty much nip that in the bud. I will talk lots about beating depression. I feel I have a lot of opinions on a lot of things and for my own sake, I want to record them somewhere so when I am sixty I can laugh at how I really thought I had all the answers, but none at all. No, I have learnt at the university of life (insert cliche smile) but more the underworld mostly. I want to take you to the drug addict world and show the similar minds. We are all so closely joined, one human pain is another one's misery. I want to talk about my children's charity too. It's all exciting stuff. But, sometimes it may just be small. Non matter. Personal. Intensely cryptic without me meaning to be pretentious (I swear I couldn't do it as I hate blue vien cheese and I think most classical music sounds the same, except for the jewlerry box tunes)
My last personality is heroinegirl. She is there especially when I feel small and spoiled (not spoilt) A child that is so angry and hurt. Desperately seeking closure. Tired of not having the answers. The magic key to just "move on". She is indignant and feisty. Oh so righteous. A child can never be wrong? Can it? I have more personalities and I am sure you will meet them all. I am going to find out once and for all, who I really am. Then I want to figure out who I really, really want to be. It's all a matter of discovery and communication. Don't settle. Mediocrity kills more people than living out your dreams ever did.
Funny thing is I haven't been half as dedicated to blog. Living life seemed to be paramount over recollecting childhood memories or time spent/wasted/lived/loved as a heroin addict and procrastinator of the highest order. I won't lie to you - there hasn't been half as much living (*successful goal getting) as I would like but just like you, I only want one thing - the best of the world and I only want it yesterday. Turning 30 was a big deal (and still is) as I only mentally allowed myself to be jerking off for this allocated slice of prime life and now, I feel I am on borrowed time to make my mark, make a legacy and change some lives. I hope. I wanted to have all the answers sorted to why I am what I am and ticked all the boxes by now. But then again, it doesn't kill me to be different - sometimes I think I go out of my way to make it so. So what I am saying is.. don't judge me by my journey, just love me for the soul I am.
Yes, yes...I still live my life like I am the lead actress in some gothic romantic music video with rose petal rain and some tragic weeping by a raining window sill, but they are less moments, depression is no longer my spidery shawl now its just my good pal anxiety that is the unwanted cousin, that just can't accept you don't want him in your life in "that" way. Ungh. There have been so many thoughts and dawnings on me and who am I kidding - I have done too many illicit substances to even dream of remembering it all, but I know it may be useful to my kids or someone else a little crazy like me one day, so back to journal keeping we go. Are you ready? Wanna go steady? I know, I know. I've promised...and I've let you down. I've worried you with my absence but you know I love you and I can't leave you. You know you can't leave me either. Can you? You have to know how it ends - just as much as I do. So, let's be honest with each other and I mean that, I am really going to let you have me - it's messy, sticky, sugar sweet and bitter too. It's bubbly delicious, addictive, and preposturous. I am no longer defined (I never was) and we would all get along so much better if you just knew that. That I can't be labelled as a recovery person, a freak, a geek, a lady or even a deep thinking moody loner. That was just a moment, a train ride moments ago. I'm fluid, a moody brew of emotion and contradiction. I will challenge you to see the unseeable, to delve into the unthinkable and unleash tears you never have spoken. I am ready, to really be me. The skinny on it all, the mess, the melancholy and the marvellous.
The Me. It's all I ever could be. But it's finally a story I am ready to tell. It's not all old but not entirely new - it's never too late for anything (always remember that) Be the romantic. Be the comedian. Be totally adventurous and spectactular but whatever you do and whatever you want to be and wherever you want to go ... don't do nothing. Don't just sit on the sidelines. It's one fabulous show only and the stage is set for you -to be your own private superstar.