I was never honestly happy today. The weather is nice, sure, but I wanted to share what little bit of happiness that I had left in me to ask a question. Something that I had planned 100% myself, without any help at all from Nick with the exception that just by chance I came upon his cell phone ringing and I answered it. I did a double take when I realised who I was talking to. I wrote down his message and then asked the question no musician wants to hear: "Can I ask you something?" "Sure!" Man, he was friendly!
I have a dear, sweet friend who is getting married soon, and if the person on the other end of the line was who I think it is, then I just had a wonderful idea for the wedding gift. I asked him if he was who I thought he was, and he said yes. Then came the worse question: "Do you do private parties and weddings?" He laughed. I tried to smile. We chatted a bit and I finally had him convinced to perform at the wedding. I was so happy. I was happy for her, happy for me, and happy for everyone who was going to be there.
Then I tried to share my happiness.
The friend that I set up the wedding surprises for, the perfume, the wedding singer, the hand-made invitations, wasn't too enthused with what I had put together. Yes, it was the best that I could do. I had those things when I got married, and they brought me good luck. The tradition goes that if something at your wedding brings happiness and good luck to your marriage, you should share it with a friend who is getting married. I tried. She wanted no part of it.
Horrifying thoughts of when Roxanna was an unfortunate part of my life, and I was forced to be nice to her while she cut me down, and talked bad about me behind my back to people who truly loved me. I had a small flash-in-the-pan thought that maybe that is what my friend is doing to me, now. Maybe I have over-stayed my welcome. Maybe we have grown apart. Maybe I was just fooling myself when I said that people genuinely like me and would have a better chance at being liked if my mother wasn't there to interfere. Maybe I am wrong.
It seems to happen when I'm in a good mood. Do they plan it that way?
I'm going to take some more leans and sleep until the pain stops. When ever that may be.