I can't stop watching and reading and building things on the internet. I cannot stop stealing or sharing super dooper programs that will synchronise my television with my wireless mobile with a built in toothbrush.
First of all, my new blog will detail all my mini obsessions and thoughts as they occur in my life.
You'll find the variety of subjects bewildering, some of the content may even be disturbing.
I'm thinking of making the title of this blog called "Emotions of Maddy" and each post should be about a particular emotion or perhaps a collection of emotions I felt. Emotions are food for me, I have been described as the most emotional person in the free world and I have to say, I agree.
I sniff out emotions in every situation, no matter how trivial or inane the subject is. I'm addicted to feeling. It'll take a while for me to convey my emotional appetite to you, I hate the sound of my writer voice yet it is something I intend on mastering. I apologise in advance if the writing may be poorly spelt or grammar may be ommitted and I welcome any reader to correct me and indulge me if they have a correction (comment section or email suits me best)
I spent two hours last night watching panting, sweating and cursing women give birth and I cheered out loud when the white jelly crusted baby sprang from her seeping, aching hole.
Seeing that you are about to know all my emotions, I should reveal that I always celebrate my vagina. I use the word Cunt whenever I wish, for I feel that I have one so I am allowed to use it. I've read Vagina Monologues endlessly and I guess I'm a lazy feminist too.
Giving birth is something my vagina is yet to experience. I worry it is too small. I think every girl does at some stage. Gathering reliable information of the miracle of childbirth is difficult when you are a teenager, I'd relied upon the tutt tutting of my stepmother and her surbanite friends. I would clamp my legs tighter and tighter, sipping my milky tea, as these women took manical glee in revealing my puss-puss would need stitches up the wazoo. Oh yes - the small matter of shitting yourself stupid in front of everyone? I was briefed. I got the memo.
But Maddy always has to be informed. I have a weak hypothamulus, so I don't get disgusted easy and I am pretty much a moth to the flame when it comes to danger and the bad answer.
Just ask my track marks (or my Father).
So, I went onto You Tube and got my information. Like every geekgirl should.
Search : Birth, Home Birth, Unassisted Birth
Within a few clicks, I was thrust into a wading pool with some tattooed hipster (I was crushing on her, I admit it and I might tell you who it is one day) and her husband in the crucial moments of the water birth she had been dreaming of since her first pregancy (she felt she was manhandled and forced into an epidural) It was a rare birth video in that didn't get up close and personal with her Ginny and was quite sweet. I'm technically stalking this couple who video blog and I found myself panicking that her husband was looking tired and drawn and might start staying back at the Office during the week. He doesn't look like he knows about prostitutes yet. I should know.
The next day, I proclaimed (ok, cornered ) my Mr that I wanted the purest form of birth, (I like to think I am the ultimate earth mother, but I am not always one to follow the routines of a recycler) The holy grail is unassisted home birth, you can have your husband or whoever you want to assist, but you don't have any medical staff present and normally deliver the baby without any drugs. Intrigued, I spied on more panting women, an experienced mother of three was giving birth and it quickly made my eyes leak. Such a miracle of life. I tensed as she squat over a foam mattress and slowly pushed out the baby, and I didn't know this but it doesn't come out like a squid, it has to be pushed, every centimetre needs to be squeezed free, the head crowning takes at least ten minutes alone?! I wondered how it felt to have half of your face in an unknown world and your mouth and chin, snug against a taut crimson wall. How is the baby breathing?
Overall, the emotion I felt was pure joy. I look at my vagina know with increased awe and respect. Those women warned me that once your Mr sees limbs coming out of your puss that
your sex life takes a major dive. It would be a pinch disturbing, but I have to give credit to my Mr who reassured me that it would only increase his respect and devotion to such a powerful force within my body. My only doubts that he would be able to witness the birth come from his sqeals of horror whenever any surgical procedure is on the telly, even though I shout at his fleeing figure that it's just sausages and red corn syrup. I'll tell you why he is queasy another day, got to stay on one subject for the moment ok?
If you are interested in unassisted home birth for a look or perhaps making a choice then
http://unassistedchildbirth.com/is the place for you to start. Good luck xx
Emotions felt : Pride, Joy, Longing, Trepidation.
Want to see something of beauty - watch a beautiful unassisted birthHERE
The follow paragraph may offend/disturb/terrorize some viewers as I discuss Grizzly Bear Attacks and provide moderately graphic references to victim's perspectives and so forth.
If you are easily offended or scared, then when you see **** from now on, you may wish to skip
the paragraphs following and resume when you see ****. I will add that my blog is recommended for a mature audience, 16+ at least. Thank you very much.
At the moment, I am all about Grizzly Bears and Bear Attacks (not neccasarily on humans) and then after reading some great material on the matter this and this and this.
My web path started to stray onto video's of animals vs each other. Sounds lame but it is isn't, oh hang on, ok maybe a little bit. But nature is an awesome aspect of beauty, and on my journey through my next decade, I want to discover as many forms of beauty as I can.
Anyway, back to the bears. These magnificent creatures get a lot of negative press don't they, particularly the protective mother of her grizzly cubs. I don't see why they aren't the king of the Aniimal Kingdom. Lions look like lazy fat cats compared to these calculating and formidable beasts. I am starting to think these maruding giants, may be the only species in the wild, that have stood the test of time of not being tame and not playing nice with humans, at all.
I was drawn to the subject, when Mr (my man is now to be called Mr) informed me that one of my childhood hero's on the telly Tim Treadwell (and his girlfriend Amie) sadly died after being fatally wounded by the very animal he dedicated years of his life getting intimate with. My mind flickered to Steve Irwin's similar fate, once again I was forcibly reminded that WILD animals are totally unpredictable and killers in their own right. It seems like a race against time before wild animals tire of your presence and..well.. "do away with you."
I have to admit, when Steve Irwin was alive, I wasn't the biggest fan of the man. Unlike many other people (even fellow Australians) it wasn't his bouyant "in your face" character nor his cringe worthy "Australianess" that irked me. No, I accept pretty much all variants of personality - a hangover from when I was three years old and my best friend was a 40 year old homeless junkie who lived outside my Mother's Fitzroy flat. I wasn't jealous of his fame or millions, I don't doubt Steve was bbonafide passionate about his wildlife and conservation missions, I simply thought he was treading a fine line with the animals themselves, despite his honourable intentions, as hewasMan at the end of the day. Even if he felt intimately connected to his animal friends, he seemed oblivious to the fact that animals view him as either food or a threat.
Even if he could forget this, it was impossible for the Animal Kingdom to do the same. Just like Tim, the end of the line was reached too soon and Natural Selection was too big a force to be tamed.
In late June 2003, Tim and Amie arrive in Katmai and set camp at Hallo Bay, in what Tim referred to as the "Sanctuary". Amie returns to California after a couple of weeks, and then returns to Katmai just as Tim was moving his camp to "The Grizzly Maze" on Kaflia Lake. Willy Fulton drops the pair off on Sept. 29, 2003. (Fulton 2003)
Tim sent a letter back with Willy Fulton on Amie's return to Bill Sims, owner of the Newhalen Lodge near Katmai and wrote that "a few bears at his camp were more aggressive than usual". (AP Wire 2003)
Tim and Amie extend their stay 1 week in an effort to locate a favorite female brown bear not seen earlier. Tim also writes in his diary that Amie believes he is "hell bent on destruction" and that this will be her last season in Alaska with him, leaving him for good, and that she was looking forward to starting a new job and desperate to return to California. (Treadwell 2003)
Even though a camera was running whilst the mauling of the pair took place, no one has ever witnessed the tape's content or images. A trusted friend was given the tape and has refused to watch it. Much like Terri Irwin and the now destroyed tape of Steve Irwin's fatal encounter with a Stingray.
The first sounds from the tape are from Amie, "she sounds surprised and asks if it's still out there". Apparently either Tim had asked Amie to turn the camera on, or Amie just turned it on out of reflex. At any rate, the attack was in progress when the camera was turned on.
The next voice is from Timothy as he screams "Get out here! I'm getting killed out here!" (Tim was wearing a remote microphone on his coverall's). The sound of a tent zipper is then heard and the tent flap opening. Amie is heard screaming over the background sounds of rain hitting the tent, the wind, and other storm sounds all mixed in with the bear and Tim fighting to "Play dead!" Seconds pass before Amie yells again to "Play dead!" (Van Daele 2004)
Not surprisingly, with Amie yelling and screaming nearby, this seems to work and the bear breaks off the attack. (more on this below) A short conversation ensues as Amie and Tim try and determine if the bear is really gone. Being trained as a physician's assistant, it is believed that Amie made her way to Tim, and from the sounds caught on tape, the bear returns and Amie is forced to back off. Tim then is clearly heard screaming that playing dead isn't working and begs her to "hit the bear!" ( Van Daele 2005, Fallico 2004)
The sound of rain hitting the tent, along with wind muffle the sounds at this point. However, Amie is clearly heard yelling to "Fight back!" She is then heard screaming "Stop! Go Away! or possibly Run Away!" as the sound of "a frying pan is used to beat the top of the bears head and the sound of Tim moaning. (Fallico 2004)
It is believed that at this point in the attack, the bear let go of Tim's head which the bear had in it's mouth, and grabbed him somewhere in the upper leg area. The sound of Amie screaming very loudly, as Tim is clearly heard over the sounds of the storm, saying "Amie get away, get away, go away". Tim knew he was going to die at this point and wanted to save Amie from the same fate. (Herzog, Fallico 2004)
Unlike what is portrayed in the movies, the bear is nearly silent. Only low growls and periodic grunts are heard which only adds to the horror of the scene. Sounds of the bear dragging Tim off, and the fading sounds of his scream's indicate that Tim is being pulled and dragged into the brush and away from camp.
In video footage recovered from the camp, there was at least some video taken days or hours earlier, showing Amie sitting on the ground as a large bear sits behind her within 10 feet.
In this footage, Amie is obviously nervous and scared as she leans away from the bear. Likewise, we know from Tim's diary that Amie was frightened of bears.
Bloody hell, I don't blame her.
I deliberately ommitted the more graphic accounts of the aftermath, I don't see the sense in printing more bear propaganda. I also read extensive information on how to camp at Yellowstone (back camping) and how to avoid a bear attack. Of course, in Australia we would never chance an encounter with ANY Bear but I'm hungry to experience the wilderness and it's unhinged beauty. I wouldn't be seeking out any Grizzly's or cubs, even though some tourists still insist on taking these "cute" pictures of Mumma Bear and baby, they normally go home in a ambulance or worse, a zippered bag. Weak hypothamulus or not, I imagine being mauled to death as one of the worst ways to die, right up there with stabbing. (huge fear of being stabbed)
I often put myself mentally in these kind of survival moments and wonder what action I would take, not saying that I'm some kind of hero or anything. At first, I was almost sure that if I was in Amie's terrible predicament, then I definately wouldn't have been staying around, screaming and putting myself between the bear and Tim.
Then, watching Mr driving the next day, I realised that I only thought of my actions with Tim involved and when I replaced Tim with my own love, well I started to see exactly why Amie was not only determined to fight for her life, but for her love as well. I wouldn't hesitate to get involved, but I do have an uncanny ability to control my emotions and think fast in these adrenalin surged situations.Sure, I have never been confronted by a two tonne pissed off Grizzly, but I've had about five people die in front of me, and I'm proud to say that No one dies on my watch. It's a record I am passionate about keeping. Rest in peace to both of those conservationists, perhaps blinded by love of the wild, kept them from seeing how much their own love for each other really meant, until those final few moments.
That's what it comes down to, in the end, who you are and what you meant..not
who you know, what you have or even what you haven't done.
In 2006, A group of friends and myself went on a three week visit to Zimbabwe, Africa. Although I probably wouldn't return for a second visit (too many other places I want to go!) I really enjoyed Zimbabwe and spotting the wild dogs at the National Park (also saw a leopard which was a bigger deal I'm told) Zimbabwe is a haunting place, beautiful landscapes and people, but you sense the tension of "Him" everywhere you go. Yellowstone, The Great Canyon, Montana and Canada are high on my list of places I want to explore before I'm 40. Mr and I have made a pact to travel overseas twice a year, this year is Thailand and maybe New Zealand. Next Year will be America and Japan. Luckily we both have a mad passion to see and do most of the same places. But for now Planet Earth marathons with Little Miss are making my feet itchy for more exploring.
Excerpts of the Tim Treadwell story have been reproduced here thanks to Bearman, who has painstakingly researched Tim's achievements and history for decades. I reccomend his bearman site for anyone who is interested in wilderness exploration and learning the best ways to camp and enjoy the beauty on offer, without dangers like bear attacks. Hissite is called "Bearman's Adventures"and is an excellent guide.