I was told on November 5th 2007 that I had had a partial hysterectomy. Turns out that translates to "we cut away 70% of your uterus because it was ruptured, but you're not thirty yet, so we're going to keep you nice and fertile." And fertile I have been. In the past four years, I have had eight miscarriages. That stopped shortly after my birthday, and I had no explanation for it. Until now. As of Saturday, December 22, 2012, I am twenty five weeks pregnant, carrying what seems to be an indestructible baby. I don't know the gender, but I was first told by a physician that my baby was dead and they wanted to collect the cells from my womb and close off the cervix.
Too late for that now!
I'm not sure how healthy my baby is going to be. I've taken Metformin, Cymbalta, Effexor, Fentanyl, Glipizide, blood pressure medication, cholesterol medicine, I've gotten drunk, I've taken reds, talwin, roxys. And still Little One danced for the ultra sound for us. Little One's heart beat is strong. Little One will be born on March 25th, 2013.
The doctor who examined me said that it would be a bad idea for a vaginal birth, and I was relieved. I have never had a vaginal birth, and I don't want one. It's only recently that I have been waking up having an orgasm, being able to orgasm by simple penetration. Yes, I enjoyed every single minute of it. *swoons*
My husband started drinking on Tuesday night. I'm not sure why, just that for nearly the last week, all he has ingested is two bottle of Jack Daniels' whiskey a day. His eyes had red rims around them. His face was splotchy pale, and when I demanded that he eat something, he threw it back up immediately.
I'm no longer wearing my wedding band. Back on Wednesday, August 11, 2004, he promised me that he would never drink alcohol again after we had an argument and I ended up falling onto the hard concrete ground, and he thought I had tried to attack him, and he fought back. I suffered a concussion, a broken wrist, on my right hand, a fractured cheek bone, and a broken knee. I still feel the pain from that hurt knee to this day. When I found out through his father that he was drinking heavily again, there were many thoughts that swirled through my head. The one I want answered the most is "Why? Why are you doing this when it's so close to Christmas?" Then I slipped my wedding ring off. It's a gold band with diamond "shooting stars" across the top. Inscribed on the back is L'amore è per sempre. Italian for "Love is forever.", the lyrics to a love song that he wrote for me for our wedding, and is now amongst the hundreds of his on iTunes.
Looking at the ring, I cry. I remember when he loved me enough to not drink any alcohol. When I meant something more to him than a burden. The sadness flows through me steadily because I still love him. But I cannot risk him becoming violent. In my mind, I keep remembering when I was eight months pregnant with Chloe and his brother beat the shit out of me. My head injury was so severe that my blue eyes were black from the retina spreading so big, I couldn't see, I fumbled for the door to escape, and he struck me from the back of my head. I don't remember anything after that. I'm hoping that I passed out and that nothing happened between his brother and I. Now I come home from a two-week hospital stabilisation, and I find my love asleep on the living room floor, whiskey bottles surrounding the trash can, the Christmas tree on its side on the floor, no wrapped presents under the tree.
I did the best job I knew how to: I pulled my drunk husband onto our sofa, and covered him with a quilt. I cleaned up the liquor bottles, and started a small fire in the fireplace. My father in law and I picked up the Christmas tree, and straightened out the few presents that were scattered under the fallen tree.
The kids never woke up. I'm going to let Santa take the credit for me cleaning up Christmas.
I'm not sure what I am going to do next. What will be will be. But I know the kids deserve a decent Christmas, and Little One deserves to know their father.
Have a happy, peaceful Christmas, everyone. I'm going to post my usual Monkees graphic because the Monkees never get old! Neither does my graphic!