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I just need to talk.

Posted by thegoodgirl

Okay.  Where do I start?  Sigh.

I am an addict.  Prescription pain medication is my Achilles heel.  

I took pain medication, that was prescribed to me, for 7 to 8 years.  I never stole medication.  I never took street drugs.  I only took what was prescribed to me. Unfortunately, though my prescriptions were prescribed - it got out of control.  I became totally dependent on them.  I couldn't go anyway without them.  I needed them.  I had pain... real pain.  Anyway, that was what I told myself.  That was how I justified my addiction.  My life revolved around my pain pills.  It took a long time to see that my pain pills were more harmful than helpful.  That realization was extremely difficult to come to.  

 I have been clean from prescription opiates for about 4 years now ... with rare exception.  When I say rare exception ... this is what I mean:  I have had pain medication only when absolutely necessary.  Until 26 days ago ... I had only used pain medication ... twice.  Both times ... it was prescribed by doctors other than my GP.  (The GP I have had for the last 4 years is not the one who prescribed me pain medication for 7-8 years.  When I got clean ... it was with the help of a wonderful and supportive new doctor.) Both times I was given pain medication I told my GP.  Also, they were small doses for very short periods of time.  Anyway ... When I become sober I knew I had to be honest - especially if I wanted to stay sober.  So I have no secrets with my doctors.  Which, at times, is humiliating.  

Twenty-six days ago I had surgery on my foot (it was unavoidable).  I wasn't very realistic about my healing ... recovery... time.  I had this idea I would be back up running my household again with-in 2 weeks.  I had decided I would only need pain medication for 7 to 10 days ... max.   Two days ago (24 days later) I stopped taking the pain medication.  I had to call my doctor's office and tell them not to prescribe any pain medication for me ... unless my foot was about to fall off.  I said it was a personal choice.  The truth is ... I didn't feel strong enough to just stop taking them ... to just take them for the pain.  I knew, in my mind, I would keep asking for pain medication as long as they would give it to me.  I didn't even like the way the pain medication made me feel.  I felt disconnected and cranky ... but I still wanted them!!! Anyway ... having to call my doctor ... was the only way I could make myself be accountable for myself.  I feel weak ... and slightly ... deflated.  My family has been supportive... especially my mom and husband.  They have been amazing.  I ... on the other hand... feel disappointed in myself... I feel less than amazing.  I feel like a fraud.  I didn't stop because I could live with the pain ... I stopped because I made it hard for me to get more pain medication.  I feel extremely restless and frustrated with myself.  

 I am still not on my feet - full speed ahead.  I still can't drive.  I feel isolated ... and am struggling with my thoughts.  I do not want to burden anybody ... but I need...  some outlet to say what I am feeling.

 Thank you for letting me talk.   Sigh.  

Comments (4)
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I read all of this and it's good that you stopped and it takes a lot of strength and a very willful person to do so and that I think is truly amazing! Sooo keep it up and I hope you do well.
dont kick yourself to hard i have almost 6 years clean though i have my moments that i almost relapsed this makes my third go round with sobriety and its the longest i have been sober i have a really good therapist that i see every week i have found it helps me to just have an hour every week to vent and talk and just have my time that i know someone will listen to whatever i have to say no matter what it is congrats on calling yourself out that took alot of strength its time to pat yourself on the back and anytime you need to talk to someone i will listen if you want to send me a message ill give you my e-mail

very good message sweetie. u did good by talking about it. first step admitting you have the problem. now focus on the solution not the problem. go to a meeting n just listen you don't need to talk. i live in pain everyday with my back. i take ultram in moderation. surgery is not an option unfortunitly. your going to be ok in my eyes. don't beat ur self up. u can't cry over spilt milk just clean it up n pour yourself another glass. one love .

Addiction is a crazy disease,and like they say,it is a patient disease.

All that I know is that it eventually drove me to the rooms of NA.After

years of cleaning up,and relapsing,I finally got a guy to help me out

with the steps,and some living skills that I lacked,and the clean time

started adding up.

Just know that recovery is out there.

Withoutit I would be dead. 

These sites have been helping folks with the disease of addiction for years. 

They could help alot. 

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