I just need to talk.
Posted by
thegoodgirl
Okay. Where do I start? Sigh.
I am an addict. Prescription pain medication is my Achilles heel.
I took pain medication, that was prescribed to me, for 7 to 8 years. I never stole medication. I never took street drugs. I only took what was prescribed to me. Unfortunately, though my prescriptions were prescribed - it got out of control. I became totally dependent on them. I couldn't go anyway without them. I needed them. I had pain... real pain. Anyway, that was what I told myself. That was how I justified my addiction. My life revolved around my pain pills. It took a long time to see that my pain pills were more harmful than helpful. That realization was extremely difficult to come to.
I have been clean from prescription opiates for about 4 years now ... with rare exception. When I say rare exception ... this is what I mean: I have had pain medication only when absolutely necessary. Until 26 days ago ... I had only used pain medication ... twice. Both times ... it was prescribed by doctors other than my GP. (The GP I have had for the last 4 years is not the one who prescribed me pain medication for 7-8 years. When I got clean ... it was with the help of a wonderful and supportive new doctor.) Both times I was given pain medication I told my GP. Also, they were small doses for very short periods of time. Anyway ... When I become sober I knew I had to be honest - especially if I wanted to stay sober. So I have no secrets with my doctors. Which, at times, is humiliating.
Twenty-six days ago I had surgery on my foot (it was unavoidable). I wasn't very realistic about my healing ... recovery... time. I had this idea I would be back up running my household again with-in 2 weeks. I had decided I would only need pain medication for 7 to 10 days ... max. Two days ago (24 days later) I stopped taking the pain medication. I had to call my doctor's office and tell them not to prescribe any pain medication for me ... unless my foot was about to fall off. I said it was a personal choice. The truth is ... I didn't feel strong enough to just stop taking them ... to just take them for the pain. I knew, in my mind, I would keep asking for pain medication as long as they would give it to me. I didn't even like the way the pain medication made me feel. I felt disconnected and cranky ... but I still wanted them!!! Anyway ... having to call my doctor ... was the only way I could make myself be accountable for myself. I feel weak ... and slightly ... deflated. My family has been supportive... especially my mom and husband. They have been amazing. I ... on the other hand... feel disappointed in myself... I feel less than amazing. I feel like a fraud. I didn't stop because I could live with the pain ... I stopped because I made it hard for me to get more pain medication. I feel extremely restless and frustrated with myself.
I am still not on my feet - full speed ahead. I still can't drive. I feel isolated ... and am struggling with my thoughts. I do not want to burden anybody ... but I need... some outlet to say what I am feeling.
Thank you for letting me talk. Sigh.
I just need to talk.
Posted by thegoodgirl
Okay. Where do I start? Sigh.
I am an addict. Prescription pain medication is my Achilles heel.
I took pain medication, that was prescribed to me, for 7 to 8 years. I never stole medication. I never took street drugs. I only took what was prescribed to me. Unfortunately, though my prescriptions were prescribed - it got out of control. I became totally dependent on them. I couldn't go anyway without them. I needed them. I had pain... real pain. Anyway, that was what I told myself. That was how I justified my addiction. My life revolved around my pain pills. It took a long time to see that my pain pills were more harmful than helpful. That realization was extremely difficult to come to.
I have been clean from prescription opiates for about 4 years now ... with rare exception. When I say rare exception ... this is what I mean: I have had pain medication only when absolutely necessary. Until 26 days ago ... I had only used pain medication ... twice. Both times ... it was prescribed by doctors other than my GP. (The GP I have had for the last 4 years is not the one who prescribed me pain medication for 7-8 years. When I got clean ... it was with the help of a wonderful and supportive new doctor.) Both times I was given pain medication I told my GP. Also, they were small doses for very short periods of time. Anyway ... When I become sober I knew I had to be honest - especially if I wanted to stay sober. So I have no secrets with my doctors. Which, at times, is humiliating.
Twenty-six days ago I had surgery on my foot (it was unavoidable). I wasn't very realistic about my healing ... recovery... time. I had this idea I would be back up running my household again with-in 2 weeks. I had decided I would only need pain medication for 7 to 10 days ... max. Two days ago (24 days later) I stopped taking the pain medication. I had to call my doctor's office and tell them not to prescribe any pain medication for me ... unless my foot was about to fall off. I said it was a personal choice. The truth is ... I didn't feel strong enough to just stop taking them ... to just take them for the pain. I knew, in my mind, I would keep asking for pain medication as long as they would give it to me. I didn't even like the way the pain medication made me feel. I felt disconnected and cranky ... but I still wanted them!!! Anyway ... having to call my doctor ... was the only way I could make myself be accountable for myself. I feel weak ... and slightly ... deflated. My family has been supportive... especially my mom and husband. They have been amazing. I ... on the other hand... feel disappointed in myself... I feel less than amazing. I feel like a fraud. I didn't stop because I could live with the pain ... I stopped because I made it hard for me to get more pain medication. I feel extremely restless and frustrated with myself.
I am still not on my feet - full speed ahead. I still can't drive. I feel isolated ... and am struggling with my thoughts. I do not want to burden anybody ... but I need... some outlet to say what I am feeling.
Thank you for letting me talk. Sigh.