It's not very often that I fall, but sometimes I stumble. Yesterday I stumbled. I could have fallen if I let myself. Something inside wouldn't allow myself to fall. Without thinking about it I steadied myself before I fell. I got my balance back and was able to stay standing on my feet instead of hitting the floor. But I did stumble. I drank beers.
Yesterday I had about 6 beers. I had what is called a relapse . Sure, drinking wasn't what I really had a problem with but I have decided to practice abstinence from all mood altering substances. Because of that decision, yesterday I relapsed. Sure, I could choose to believe one of the myths of relapse which is because I didn't do the exact substance that I was addicted to that I didn't really have a relapse. But I know that I did.I'm not going to sugarcoat it for myself. That would get me nowhere. What I'm going to do is look real closely at what I was doing and thinking prior to me taking that first drink. By doing that hopefully I can today see some of the warning signs that I didn't see yesterday. If I can see what some of the indications that I was going to relapse were, then I can be sure to be on the look out for them in the future.
I had that old voice inside of my head telling me that it's ok to drink beers once in a while. You're not an alcoholic so what's the difference. It's such a beautiful day out, you deserve a beer. These are just a couple of the thoughts that were swirling around this addictive thinking brain of mine. Sadly, I gave into these thoughts.
Do I feel shameful about my relapse? No, I can honestly say I don't. Do I feel guilty about it? Ya, there is a little guilt there. I regret doing it because I see that I got absolutely no fun out of it. I let myself believe that by drinking a few beers and catching a buzz I was going to have tons of fun. I didn't. What I got was that old guilty feeling and a little disappointment with myself.
If I could give any advice to anybody out there that has just been craving for not only the drug/drink but for the "fun" time that comes along with it, it would be: Just don't take the first drink/drug. Do whatever you can to avoid it. In the end it's not really fun. What happens is that you envisioned it as being so great that when you actually do it and realize it isn't, you're disappointed. On top of that disappointment comes the disappointment with yourself for allowing yourself to relapse after all your hard work.
To end on a higher note (no pun intended), today is a new day. So now what I will do is not use any mood altering substances for this twenty-four hours . Tomorrow when I look back on today I will have a feeling of accomplishment and success. I can't say that about today's yesterday but it will definitely be the case tomorrow.