Random emotions are rolling in my heart. Random thoughts are swirling in my brain.
We are in a holding pattern in our adoption process. Just waiting on the translator to do her freakin' job finish up and deliver our missing documents to the Ministry. (Got an email this morning telling us they will be delivered Wednesday.)
In the meantime, here are a few things that I've discovered:
I don't wait well.
I am weak.
Did I mention that I don't wait well?
I really don't wait well, but I'm finding that it's actually been somewhat of a reliefnot to have to think about anything adoption related. (Well, until one of the five hundred well-meaning people I've encountered just this week asks me about it.)
But, in the waiting, I have lots of time. Lots of time to question, "What the h--- are we thinking?!?" Which brings us to number 2.
I am weak. I am passionate, compassionate, and just, but, conversely, I am impulsive, wimpy, and angry. I am weak. Just given time, I have worried that I am not brave enough to tackle this and that I have acted rashly in moving forward to rescue a child we've never even seen.
The protection of children isn't charity. It isn't part of a political program fitting somewhere between tax cuts and gun rights or between carbon emission caps and a national service corps. It's spiritual warfare...
The universe is at war, and some babies and children are on the line. The old serpant is coiled right now, his tongue flicking, watching for infants and children he can consume.
There is an enemy of our souls that does not want us to embrace this child into our lives. He will stop at nothing to see that it doesn't happen. He knows that complacency works well with me to stall me in my tracks.
I've been passively waiting, thinking that I had no choice and almost congratulating myself for not freaking out, when I should be on my knees fighting to get this kid HOME! I should be storming the gates of heaven and asking for favor to be granted, obstacles to be overcome, mountains to be moved, translators to move quickly, paperwork to be in order, protection over our son...
In the back of my mind, I was lulled into thinking that since we took the steps to put things in motion, our work here was done until we brought him home. I forgot to be his motherNOW. He needs me to do everything I can to get to him and all I can do right now is pray.