Imaginary friends

This mom and I agreed to run our correspondence here in case anyone else was dealing with imaginary friends:

Dear Barbara,

I have a four-year-old daughter who just loves to make-believe. She can sit on the couch and "read" books aloud with passion and gusto. Though she cannot really read the words yet, her stories are elaborate and entertaining. She takes bits and pieces of stories she loves and applies them to each story.

This is amusing to my husband and I and we see it as a great way to encourage her imagination and creativity. However, recently her pretending and make-believe expanded into having an imaginary friend. She first told me about her friend, Jane, when we were walking to the library. She told me, "Mommy, do you know that my friend Jane goes to a different library? Her library has a bear on the roof. It is really nice. We should go there sometime."

This exchange we had about Jane's library made me laugh, but seemed perfectly harmless. I even encouraged it, asking my daughter questions about the details of the library and of this friend Jane. Later on, after my husband had disciplined our daughter for something she had done and sent her to time-out, she told him, "Daddy, you know, Jane doesn't ever spank her children or send them to time-out." He asked her how Jane disciplined them then. Our daughter answered that Jane didn't ever discipline them.

My husband used this opportunity to explain how Jane was in for trouble if she never disciplined her children. He told her all about what kids would act like if they were never disciplined for being naughty. Our daughter quickly reversed Jane's position on the matter, "so actually Jane does discipline sometimes if her kids need it." In fact, as it turns out, according to my daughter's accounts of this Jane, she and I have a lot in common, both liking coffee and wine and experiencing similar difficulties with our kids' behavior problems. I think I would really enjoy chatting with her over a cup of coffee. :)

Anyhow, I had not really thought about the danger of pretending overlapping with the realm of falsehoods and lies because thus far it has seemed pretty harmless. However, when I was recounting the stories of my daughter and her imaginary friend to my mother in-law, who has raised five children and is a special education teacher, she expressed concern that allowing her to tell such tales was setting the stage for her to tell tales that might not be so harmless.

I have a hard time seeing real danger in having an imaginary friend. It is obvious to my husband and I that our daughter knows we know the truth and it is also evident that our daughter does not really believe that Jane exists. Most times, Jane is used by our daughter as a way of expressing her opinions without the risk of getting in trouble. We simply tell her what we think of "Jane's opinions" rather than addressing them as her own.

However, I see my mother in-law's point and as our daughter is our oldest, I have no experience with what could come of too much make-believe or at least uncontrolled make-believe. What do you think? I would love to get your sage opinion on the matter.

Thanks so much!
Love,
A

Hi A -

I am so sorry to have taken so long getting back to you on this. I do my best to keep up with email, but the notes I care most about and that require more thought and time to reply to are the ones that wait the longest.I agree with you that your daughter is letting off some emotional steam with her imaginary friend - in a relatively healthy way. But perhaps it was a transition strategy which she will drop as she becomes comfortable speaking her mind with you.

First born kids are notoriously strong-minded and opinionated. They also adore their parents at that age and haven't gone through some tests which would convince them that their parents love is unconditional. You are so right that your daughter is testing some oppositional points of view while doing her best to stay in your good graces. So underneath I would read the fear of losing love - which is perfectly understandable.

I think it would be important to point out what is real and imaginary while also asking questions like, "Well, what would Jane say about this?" I could see it becoming a sort of inside joke. Did you ever see What About Bob? Great movie - the father is a famous psychoanalyst and when he runs into trouble with his teen daughter he makes her use the puppets they used when she was a child to communicate - just to make sure she feels safe being completely honest.

Like I said, this seems like a transitional kind of situation which could become problematic with the wrong kind of reaction, and could become a rich source of trust and understanding with a couple of confident parents.

Clearly your daughter loves you very much!!

I have to disagree with your MIL. I don't think it has anything to do with future lying, any more than parents who promote Santa Claus or the tooth fairy promote lying in kids. I do think it shows some love for her parents and creativity to come up with a solution which will work. Coming down hard on her would not be good for trust - and that's the most important thing in a family.

Btw, we really never talked much about Santa Claus - it was always presented as a kind of inside joke - like Santa Claus *wink wink* or the tooth fairy *wink wink* - just something silly and funny to share while knowing where the the goodies were really coming from.

I bet your daughter would love the Frances books by Russel Hoban. And the Runaway Bunny, which is so reassuring that your parents will love you no matter what.

I hope this isn't too late to be of some help.

love,
barbara

Barbara,

thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It was so helpful and reassuring. We also are fans of the movie "What About Bob?" and we had a hearty laugh at your reminder of the puppets. I definitely could see "Jane" becoming quite a part of our family if she's used appropriately. ;) Also, our daughter is already a great fan of Russell Hoban's Frances. After you recommended these books, I remembered just how much make-believing Frances does and I wondered if some of our daughter's make-believe was Frances inspired. I haven't checked out "Runaway Bunny", so I definitely need to.