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Feeling discouraged . . . very discouraged.

Posted Sep 28 2009 10:41pm

Feeling like something of a failure, actually. I remember very early on, when we received Finn's diagnosis of Ds, one of the thoughts that went round and round in my head for a while was, "I am not qualified to be a parent of a child with special needs." That feeling has been creeping back up on me lately.

First of all, I am beyond frustrated with the whole nursing situation. He bites me every single time, and it has become so stressful and unpleasant - ugh. It's like torture. I am so sore all the time, and I just can't seem to get it through to him that "No biting" means NO BITING. I would take this as a clear sign that it's time to wean, except that he doesn't get fluids by any other means right now, except for whatever fluid content is in the baby food he eats. I am trying very hard to get him to drink from a cup or straw, but he's soooo resistant. He gets really mad and pushes/smacks it away. I am at a loss. I really don't know what to do. Do I tough it out and keep trying to nurse him so that he gets fluids, and hope that someday soon he'll stop biting the shit out of me? Or do I throw in the towel and hope that he's getting enough fluids from the food he eats? I really am just so sad and frustrated about this. I had hoped to nurse him longer than this, and I certainly had hoped that it wouldn't end on such a bad note.

In other areas, he just seems to have plateaued lately. He's not making any progress that I can see. His babbling has not progressed to any discernible words. He doesn't use any signs (although I admit that I haven't pushed signing at all). He crawls all over the place, but he's been doing that for months now, and he's not progressing to the next step - walking. Or even cruising. Or even standing. I can't even get him to stand supported anymore - he was doing that, but now he's just plain resistant to all of it. And I am feeling like an utter failure.

Yes, we did reduce services recently. I thought we were doing the right thing. And I hate it - hate it! - that I find myself second guessing this decision now. I really believed (and still want to believe) that we could, as a family, help Finn be the best he can be with minimal intervention. I don't want to be a slave to services. I don't want his childhood to revolve around therapy. Is he "stuck" right now because he hasn't had any formal therapy for a few weeks? Or would he be in a holding pattern anyway, regardless of therapy? I just don't know.

Discouraged. Very discouraged.
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