I need a friend. I could not imagine my life without my blogging friends who share this journey with me. Truly, they are a gift from God. But, I would very much like to have a real-life, flesh-and-blood, local friend to ride this ride with. I long for playdates, therapist comparisons, and a familiar face at those awkward Down Syndrome Association parties. I am so blessed to be part of the Ds community, and yet, I'm feeling kind of excluded from my real world. Part of me is struggling a bit with Down syndrome right now. Eon will be a year-old next month and for a year, I have been almost consumed with all things Ds. It has been a necessary immersion. I have become an expert in order to best advocate for my son and to meet his needs. I don't know if my melancholy mood is because I feel the interest and support fading...it's been a year; get over it already. Friends are moving on. But, I never will. This is forever and I am feeling small.
Maybe it's because Eon's delays are starting to become more noticeable and I can't slide under the radar anymore. I don't compare him, but I feel like others do. Maybe it's because the finality of it all is finally penetrating my thick skull.
The conflicting feelings of this year have been exhausting......joy, because he's so incredible and sweet and hilarious; sadness, because of what might have been; fear for his health and well-being; contentment to be part of the club; anger over the senseless slaughter of so many of his peers; and certainty, because he is exactly who he was created to be.
Yesterday, I almost lost it when I heard "Joseph's Song" on the radio. "Why me?" is a feeling I identify with at times. I sometimes want to ask God, "What were you thinking? Why would you think that I can give this child what he needs? Why did you decide to choose me for the task?"
And, sometimes, I feel blessed beyond measure and unworthy of such a gift.