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The Waiting Game vs Optimism

Posted Feb 10 2009 11:27am

Fellow contributor Jamie gave me the head’s up that sometimes the referrals take a while. No kidding. I just got my UCSF consultation scheduled today and it’s on March 23rd. I obviously didn’t take Calculus in college, but March 23rd is what, 40 years away? That’s a long time to wait, and, in all honesty, I was a bit bummed by this date. I want to get better sooner rather than later. I’m done hanging out with colitis. At this rate, I won’t have a possible shot at a j-pouch until the next Olympics (this excitement for a j-pouch might seem like a contradiction to a month ago when I wasn’t even sure of going through with surgery, but I call it “personal growth” with a dash of “desperation”). Anybody who’s ever been hungry and showed up at a Red Lobster on Friday night knows that waiting sucks. But then I see all of the optimistic posts on this site and think hey, now is a wonderful opportunity to tap into that Mountain Dew- and “Lost”-fueled Optimism Reservoir I have stored away. Optimism, Engage!
Ulcerative Colitis has… some… benefits. I’m scraping the barrel, but here are the

Top Four Perks to Having UC:

4. Become Good At Counting

Taking multiple pills, tablets, and other forms of medicine a day increases your counting skills. You can count out 12 tablets of Asacol by merely glancing at the amount of tablets in your hand. Speed counting will impress your friends, so at the next party, score some points with that cute brunette by counting everything in her purse with a single glance.

3. Can’t Take Blame For A Stinky

With UC, I can’t pass gas. I guess I technically can, but you never know when it’s going to lead to an accident. Why risk accidents? So whenever someone cries “Who farted?!”, you have a rock solid alibi. Rock solid.

2. Single Handedly Keeping the Toilet Paper Business Afloat.

You’re welcome.

1. Be More Like My Hero: Batman

Batman, lone protector of Gotham City, mysterious vigilante, Ulcerative Colitis patient. I think it’s absolutely thrilling to have such an awesome role model in the UC community. I don’t know how much proof you want, but consider this: Ever see in the movies or cartoons how Commissioner Gordon is talking to Batman, then mid-way through Gordon’s sentence he turns to face the Batman, but Batman is already gone? How he always has this habit of silently taking off while people are still talking to him? It’s because Batman runs off to the bathroom. Case closed.

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