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Thanks To Jamie And Hospital Recovery Activities

Posted Feb 19 2009 5:27pm

I had the pleasure of meeting fellow contributor Jamie and her husband Avery this past weekend for lunch. Wow. What nice people. Not only were they friendly and informative, but Jamie even brought me samples of different ileostomy bags, some reading material clearly meant for the exclusive cool crowd (J-Pouchers), and helped describe more of her experiences. I can’t thank them enough, so much so that I haven’t even put her baggy samples on ebay, claiming it belonged to someone famous. It’s great that provides such a strong and supportive community that we were able to talk and share offline. Jamie and Avery, you guys totally rock.
One of my greatest surprises was how normal Jamie was. Seriously, there is no way you can tell that she has any medical situations, let alone an ileostomy bag. Maybe she was totally pulling my leg. For someone concerned about the surgery, this was a huge relief. I was originally imagining something a bit worse.

NOT Jamie at all. Boy was I off.

NOT Jamie at all. Boy was I off.

One thing that came up in our conversation was that sometimes patients get rushed into surgery due to their conditions. During these emergencies, you don’t have the luxury of preparing or planning an extended hospital stay. Those lucky enough to plan their surgeries in advance should plan accordingly. I know I am. Here are my Top 4 Things To Do in the Hospital While Recovering:

4. Write a Novel

Many aspiring authors set out to write the Great American Novel. I was born in South Africa, so that gives me a bit more leeway and creative control in my novel. Aside from the obvious fan-fiction (” What’s Chewebacca doing on the Lost island? Let’s find out! “), I’m going to write my Aquaman novel. Yes, that Aquaman. Something about Aquaman is just awesome, and I figure I’ll have a lot of time to just sort of sit there with a laptop and type while recovering. It was originally a toss-up between pulp romantic novels and Aquaman, but as I was writing this I got hungry for fish sticks, so Aquaman won.

3. Fake a British Accent

Please follow along with the thought process here. I was watching Back To The Future (a great documentary about lightning and Deloreans) when Doc Brown mentioned to Marty McFly something about the Florence Nightingale effect, where nurses fall in love with their patients. Hello. If I play my cards right, my hospital stay will be like a mix between the TV shows “Blind Date” and “Grey’s Anatomy”. If romantic comedies teach us anything, it’s that ladies love the British accent. If I fake a British accent during my hospital stay, chances are good I’ll be engaged by the time I’m discharged. This plan only applies to single people.

2. Entertain My Mum

My mum is going to fly out for a few weeks for the first possible surgery. You know how it goes, it’s the Law of the Mom. While I’m sedated and being a bum in the hospital bed, I’ll have to make sure she doesn’t get cabin fever and pass out from boredom. So I’m planning this out now. Bejeweled on the iPhone? Check. Professor Layton and The Curious Village for the Nintendo DS? Check. Three 200 page Sudoku puzzle books? Check. A Starbucks gift card? Check. Library card? Not yet.

1. Write a Eulogy For My Colon

Hopefully in haiku form.

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