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Some more Orthodox humor!

Posted Jun 10 2009 12:21am

wedding198 This is a forward that has been circulating for a while now- it’s an oldie but a goodie!  In fact, I think Charmayne and Daria read some of this at a church event, so I apologise if this is a re-run for some of you.

You Know You’re Orthodox If…

  • On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
  • You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
  • You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
  • You can sing ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LoL).
  • Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
  • You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
  • On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
  • You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
  • You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
  • To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
  • You get great deals on Easter candy.
  • You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
  • Before you pray, you say a prayer.
  • You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
  • When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
  • You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
  • The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
  • You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
  • You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord‿, and there’s still half an hour to go.
  • At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
  • Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
  • Your priest is married.
  • You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes.
  • You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
  • You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
  • You celebrate feast days the night before.
  • You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
  • You can say “Lord have mercy” 40 times without making a mistake.
  • You can say “Christ Is Risen”/”Indeed He Is Risen” in a million languages.
  • You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha… And you usually know who’s being a wise-guy with the wooden one.
  • You have multiple priests’ numbers in your cell phone.
  • You actually read the Bible in your spare time.
  • You’ve slept overnight in your church for a retreat.
  • You’ve grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you’ve had it since you were a baby.
  • Even if you don’t speak the language fluently (i.e. Albanian, Greek, Russian, etc.) you could still carry on a decent conversation about food in it.
  • You’ve been or plan on going to Alaska.
  • You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding… during the wedding… because they are just that long.
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