This is a forward that has been circulating for a while now- it’s an oldie but a goodie! In fact, I think Charmayne and Daria read some of this at a church event, so I apologise if this is a re-run for some of you.
You Know You’re Orthodox If…
On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
You can sing ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LoL).
Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
You get great deals on Easter candy.
You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
Before you pray, you say a prayer.
You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord‿, and there’s still half an hour to go.
At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
Your priest is married.
You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes.
You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
You celebrate feast days the night before.
You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
You can say “Lord have mercy” 40 times without making a mistake.
You can say “Christ Is Risen”/”Indeed He Is Risen” in a million languages.
You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha… And you usually know who’s being a wise-guy with the wooden one.
You have multiple priests’ numbers in your cell phone.
You actually read the Bible in your spare time.
You’ve slept overnight in your church for a retreat.
You’ve grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you’ve had it since you were a baby.
Even if you don’t speak the language fluently (i.e. Albanian, Greek, Russian, etc.) you could still carry on a decent conversation about food in it.
You’ve been or plan on going to Alaska.
You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding… during the wedding… because they are just that long.