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I think this is what you would call a cry for help!

Posted Oct 05 2009 10:02pm
This blog post is really hard for me to write because i'm going to admit something so terrible that it scares me.

It all started this afternoon when i got my medical assessment back from the benefits office, In short i failed it and as a result i am now longer receiving any. It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and pushed all the air out of me, I suddenly have no income and no way of going out to make any. I have no way of paying rent or buying food or even medicine, its the worse feeling in the world knowing that your in trouble and theres nothing you can do about it.

All this and the amount of pain i'm in, i feel exactly the same as i did seven months ago when i lost my job. in short clinical depression.

When i was receiving benefits all i had to think about was getting better, but now i also have to think about how to pay for rent to keep a roof over our heads. I now feel myself slipping back into my depression with terrifying speed, my eyes are full of tears at the moment and have been for the last nine hours, i want to stop it all and this is where my feelings start to scare me. I want to kill myself! how else can i stop the pain and panic of being unemployed and ill with no one to turn too. I feel lost and useless, my girlfriend has to do everything for me. she has to go to work and to university and still look after me, its just not fair on her i love her so much and would have probably done it by now it she wasn't in my life.

I want it all to end now! I need to sort it out but i don't know how.

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