The two words that really sum up how I have been feeling is frustration and exhaustion. I am tired. Really, really tired. It could be from all the running around with kids and their activities. It could be from working. It could be from traveling with Rick to the band competitions. But it could also be from my depression. Yes, I take medicine for depression. I admit it because I am not embarrassed by it. It has been a rough couple years and so I got depressed. I am feeling a bit like I am having some more depression. Which would help to answer the tired question.
Frustration is also a big part of the exhaustion. I am frustrated with so many parts of my life right now. Frustrated with Rick's work schedule. After 16 years of working for the same company his hours are being screwed with and he goes from working 12:30pm -9:00pm to working 12:30am-9:00am. That not only screws up him, it screws up our whole family. And I worry about what that severe change to his system will do to his health.
As I am sure you have been aware I am frustrated with my kids. We have been battling with them to pick up their rooms, show respect to each other, and to stop destroying the house. By destroying I mean that they write on the walls, furniture, and basically disrespect our things. It has reached a boiling point that is about to boil over into complete disarray. They have not been showing us respect, and have been showing a complete lack of responsibility. Yes my expectations are for 6 and 9 year olds. I do realize they are just kids, but this is out of hand. And it makes me sick to see this happening in our family. I feel like I have tried so many different tactics that have all failed. I don't want to be a failure to my kids. I want them to grow up with awesome memories, not memories of always being yelled at. I don't want to yell at them, I try to avoid it as much as possible. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
That is the biggest problem that I face everyday. The girls are always fighting with each other. I am feeling like a terrible mother, like I must have done something wrong. This is not how I want our family dynamic. I am so frustrated and saddened by how things are going right now.
The second biggest frustration is the financial situation we are in right now. It has been a rough couple years and it is really hard to try to feel like I'm not drowning. All these things are not good for our marriage either. We are lucky to have formed such a close bond over the past few years. But sometimes life gets in the way and right now I am not feeling that bond as strongly which breaks my heart.
These are the reasons that I haven't been blogging much lately. I don't feel like I have anything positive to say. I have had a really hard time thinking of things to write. Nobody wants to keep reading depressing blog posts. And I really want to be funny or witty, so that is why I have been avoiding the blog. My goal is to get this all turned around now that our crazy schedule of activities is slowing down. We have a long winter ahead of us, which means a lot of time stuck together in the house. And it is going to suck if I can't get things turned around.
I am going to give it my all. I want a strong, loving family. I don't want to be frustrated and exhausted anymore!