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Don't call us, we'll call you

Posted Jun 02 2009 4:38pm
"Seriously, you are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mental."
Kate Winslet, Extras

What about someone with a colostomy bag? Recently, in a moment of sheer unbridled egotism I got to thinking about who would play me in a film of my life. It’s a fascinating casting conundrum, because as much as ulcerative colitis isn’t funny, and having a colostomy bag isn’t funny, it feels to me like a role more suited to Woody Allen than Will Smith. Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford and Russell Crowe are all fine actors, but I think their talents are better put to use battling pirates, Orcs, aliens and Nazis than UC. Likewise I can’t see Brad Pitt blogging about his bowel movements or Leonardo DiCaprio counting out his prednisolone. Now, Philip Seymour Hoffman or William H Macy, that’s more like it. I can just picture a pale, disheveled Philip Seymour Hoffman, straining on the toilet with bloodstained underpants round his ankles, railing against God, NHS underfunding and anal enemas. And I can imagine William H Macy sheepishly returning to his desk after a noisy 15 minute shitathon the whole office has heard, then totally losing it and directing his steroidal rage at a colleague who suggests it might have been something he ate. I’m not sure you’d get the same level of pathos and intensity from Vin Diesel. Now for some reason, I can only imagine slightly weird, oddball actors playing the part of me. I really don’t know why this is, because Johnny Depp would be a more obvious choice. But what about you, put yourself on the imaginary casting couch, who would you get to play you?

And to help get you in the Hollywood mood, here’s a list of UC themed films:

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
The Armitage Shanks Redemption
The UC Suspects
Forrest Dump
No Colon for Old Men
Poop Fiction
Fartacus
Brokecrack Mountain
Pred-ator
Assablanca
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