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20 Things I Have Learned From Watching British Television Mysteries

Posted Jul 17 2011 12:41pm

1, Put an edged weapon in the hands of aBritish man or woman and they can decapitate someone in one neat swoosh.

2. There are perfectly adorable phone boothsout in the middle of nowhere.  Theseshould be clearly labeled ‘death traps.’

3. One watches movies at the ‘cinema’ andpeople on the stage murdering each other accidentally for real at the ‘theater’.

4. All little villages have fêtes (pronouncedfates) in the town square.  At the fêtethe villagers dance around may poles, drink wine, eat cakes, practice archery,kill each other in extremely creative and nervy ways and throw balls or chunksof wood at coconuts balanced on sticks. Surprisingly, the British can expertly and stealthily send an arrowthrough the heart of someone from impossible long distances but havedifficulties hitting a coconut off of a stick.

5. All women of a ‘certain age’ have hot, sexy,young lovers.

6. The heavier and more antique the piece offurniture is the more like it is that it will be used to kill someone.

7. British people really do say the world ‘bloody’.  Usually right before they are killed by a pieceof heavy, run-away, antique furniture. As in, “Bloody hell!” Crunch!

8. They use tiny plates upon which they heap fatsausages, fried eggs, hash browns, fried bread and lots of bacon every morningwhich they call a ‘fry up’.   I havedecided that this is either not true or the British have special cholesterolscrubbing cells in their blood. I have also decided I really, really, want a ‘fryup’ even if it would outrage the Crohn’s so badly that I would end up in thehospital for a week.  

9. Small, idyllic villages are hot beds oftwisted murderers, vicious assaults and perverted sex triangles or in somecases quadrangles or sextuplets.  Infact, the more idyllic the village the more murderers, assaulters and pervertsthere are.  My advice it to live in alarge, ugly city and keep your doors and windows barred at all time.  

10. Instead of calling ahead and warningsomeone that they are about to be murdered and telling them they should perhapsget the hell out of the house, detectives drive at breakneck speeds over tinylittle tree enshrouded roads to get to the victim bare minutes after they havebeen murdered.  Once in a great whilethey actually make it to the house to find that no one has been murdered.  This is usually because the murderer is offmurdering someone else and they’ll come back and get to that victim later.

 11. Farmerscan drive tractors at the same speed and with the same skill as NASCAR driversespecially when going after a cheating wife.

12. Wealthy people go on fox hunts every day ofthe week.  I am not sure why there arestill foxes left living in the country.

13. Never, EVER, offer to help clean out thescenic little disused well in the town square.  Just don’t.

14. People are always baking cakes, placingthem in the most adorable cake tins and delivering them to other people only tofind the erstwhile recipient murdered which always shocks them so much theydrop their cakes.  This happens so oftenjournalists should probably follow cake tin bearing people so that they can bethe first to break a murder story to their papers.

15. People in small villages either live inadorable little cottages, fetid farmhouses or huge family manors bigger thanSmithsonian Museum.

16. Like the red shirts in Star Trek, Irishmen arealmost always murdered off often after wrongly fingering them as a suspect.  

17. In period mysteries Americans are alwaysrich, silly, unmannered oafs.  The menfind the villages to be ‘quaint’ and the women find the villages to be ‘dismal’.  They are always useless, over bearing and notmurdered off often or fast enough.

18. Never underestimate the powers of an oldwoman.  They either know a lot more thanthey are saying (in which case they will be bludgeoned to death while knittingor watching television) or they themselves are the murderer.

19. If you are a minister it is NEVER a good ideato light candles or say prayers late at night in your dark church.  You will be killed in a creative and gory waywith some kind of religious artifact and as an artistic touch left on your ownaltar. 

20. When finally caught the murderersalways fully confess and politely explain points the detective’s assistant mayhave missed.  In the case of old womenmurderers they perfectly time their confession to finish just a few minutesbefore the self-inflicted poison kicks in and kills them off.
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