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The Post that is Not a Self-Pimpage Post

Posted Dec 10 2008 1:08pm

   I'll be the first to admit it:

   I am Really Good at Being a Diabetic.

   And when I say I'm Really Good, I mean better-than-a-private-lap-dance-from-Vince-Diesel Good.

   My highest A1c was Pre-Dx. I went for two whole years during my teens without testing once (Logs creatively flubbed for my Doctors using the ever-present Testing Solution) and my A1c never went higher than an 8.0, with the very rare low to balance the equation. (Thanks to my ever-irresponsible, non-child-support-paying Father for that one) Three parts luck, one part trusting intuition that I never should have trusted. But that indiscretion helped me to learn how to completely control the controllables, and deal quickly and calmly with the uncontrollables.

   I am, quite simply, a Perfectionist and a Control Freak.

   I test basal, bolus ratio's and ISF once a month. Even if there is no indication that they need correcting.  I can triage for anything, from seemingly unexplained BG variations to abrupt changes in my life. My A1c's are always in the low-6's, with never more than two hypo's per month. My run-of-the-mill BG level is 4.8 (4.8 x 18 = mg/dL). I eat whatever the hell I want (heavy on the Yogurt!) whenever the hell I want. I test - on average - 12 times a day. I keep glucose tablets in my car, my purse, my bedside table, my desk at work, and my jacket pocket. Because, God knows, the day you actually need 'em nobody's gonna be there to get 'em for you. I follow the 15/15 rule, and the very rare times that I'm actually hungry during a Hypo, I bolus for any CHO over 15g. And, thanks to my College Education, I can spot the patterns in my BG/Food/Lifestyle records that necessitate any required changes. And then I can fix it. Within days.

   I don't hate Diabetes, I don't feel overwhelmed by Diabetes and I don't ever feel that it's a lot of hard work. 

   I am one of those people - that you probably hate - that can honestly say Diabetes is easy.

   And then I can back that up.

   But there's a part of me that feels guilty because of that. And, with a twist of the knife, it also sometimes makes me feel like an impostor.

   Oh, I can probably guess what you're thinking. What the hell am I whining about, right? Why don't I and my pathetic self-flagellation get a room...

   When I was younger and dealing with the whole paternal abuse chapter of my life, my younger sister would cry, and say "It was hard for me, not being the one that dad hurt". And I would callously tell her that it was harder being on the receiving end. And I was right.

   So then, wouldn't you know, I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Because I have no right. But why should it be so easy for me - so seamlessly integrated into my life - when it's so damn hard for so many other people? Where's the fairness in that?

   A rhetorical question. There are no answers. And I'll bundle up that little ball of guilt and stuff it away until the day comes that I read a Post that makes me wish I had a magic wand to wave that would make this disease easier for everyone. Some formula of 'twist part A into part B, do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about' and Voila, c'est tres facile and life is perfect.

   And we would all live Happily Ever After...

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