I went back to Fitness Together (my gym) a few days ago and met with a personal trainer after a long absence. I admitted how I've been resistant and, frankly, lazy when it comes to consistent exercise and healthy eating (feeling overweight and under-nourished). I committed to meeting with a trainer three mornings a week from now until January (gulp) and keep an "accountability journal."
As I put on my gym clothes and shoes for the first time in ages, I realized that in my sleepy haze, I left the house having packed two different tennis shoes to work out in--one grey and yellow, the other blue and white. Luckily, they were for different feet so it worked, but I looked and felt a little strange.
I did my weekly work-outs this week (kudos to me), but I had my health assessment scheduled for yesterday (Saturday morning at 7:30am). They were going to weigh, measure and test my ability to do cardio, lift weights, check my heart-rate, blood pressure, etc. I convinced myself that I would make NO EXCUSES and honor ALL appointments, no matter what. Well, guess what happened Saturday morning?
Alarm went off and I stayed in bed (boo-hiss). I didn't get up. Thought about it, but didn't do it. Rationalized that it was too early, I was too sleepy and my legs were sore and feeling like rubber. I wanted my Saturday morning in bed. And so, that is what I had. So why did I agree to a time and day that I knew would be hard for me to honor? Because I really didn't want to face the assessment. I have some denial about how far off track I am in terms of caring for my physical body. I feel shame about it and instead of taking the proactive step and honoring my commitment, I set myself up to stay in bed and further procrastinate my fitness evaluation, telling myself I'll cram it in some time next week.
What I know to be tru e is this: my energy is split. There is a deep part of me that feels energized to be more fit and loves how I feel after I exercise and it lowers my insulin needs and keeps me feeling more energized throughout the day. Nothing bad comes from it. But there is a strong, conditioned part of me often wins out that loves to sleep in and avoid exercising, rationalizing why my resistance to change is valid. This part of me often engages in self-sabotage through self-defeating behaviors and choices. I'm calling myself out on these things more, but the resistance is huge. And powerful.
I'm sure there must be some people out there who relate to me on this. What have you done to move past the "stuck" energies that keep you in the repetitive but self-sabotaging behaviors rooted in the past? What do you tell yourself that works when confronted with the voices full of excuses and rationalizations?