Health knowledge made personal
Even more insidious is the guilt and blame. Thing is, if I'm having a tough diabetes day, I blame myself. I'm the one who decides when to eat and what food to eat, and I'm the one who decides what exercise or other activities I'm partaking in for the day. I'm deciding when to test--and how often, and I'm the one who decides how much insulin to take, and when. * * *I'm typing this as my numb tongue rests against the roof of my mouth. I feel vulnerable and shaky after my 2nd hit of low bloodsugar today. A lovely 32 mg/dl and a previous 37 mg/dl. I rail against myself for not knowing better. Cleaning is exercise. Running two flights of stairs on and off throughout the night with heavy loads of laundry counts as exercise. Redecorating can't just be redecorating. It's an activity and basal rates must be adjusted. If not, you get this. What sucks most about diabetes from an emotional standpoint is all the guilt and blame that goes along with it. I can handle taking responsibility for things and I can even handle a healthy does of guilt if it's "earned." Yes, I'll take the blame if it's deserved, but hell, I'm no pancreas, and a lot of these feelings of guilt and blame are not entirely mine to take ownership of. And just because we feel guilty does not me we have actually earned that guilt . So why am I so quick to pick up the kissing cousins of guilt and blame? Here's the thing: I take on the guilt and blame in part because it allows me the allusion of control. If I'm not to blame for my stubborn lows today, who or what is? We all know the answer, of course, but the truth is I'd rather retain some modicum of control than think it's out of my hands because that, my friends, is far scarier. I know mastering diabetes is a misnomer. And I don't like blaming myself, but don't relish the thought that unknown influences are screwing with my very life, either. What do you tell yourself to help deal with the highs and lows of diabetes? And how do you reconcile the notions of controlling diabetes and diabetes not being fully controllable? |
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