I was just diagnosed with Type 1 a little less than 2 months ago. I know! Type 1 at 24? Well, that's me. I did the denial in a day, the self-pity in three (related to needle phobia), and luckily the acceptance has lasted. But now all I am left with is frustration and guesswork. Why won't my body just find a pattern already? Why can't I fit into a math formula that sticks? Will I ever just "know" what I need to do, or am I doomed to a life of weighing my food and adjusting my Lantus based on a reaction to multi-day highs?
I found this community because I am afraid to go to bed sometimes. I am afraid I will drop so low in the middle of the night that I will just die in my sleep. I am constantly googling things like "how far should I drop overnight", "glycemic index" and "insulin stacking". If you look at my Internet History over the last two months there are more hours logged trying to find non-existent answers to blood puzzles than how many hours I spent reading my email in the last decade. I have a great educator who told me to call day or night (and I have, trust me), but I feel like I should have a better handle on it by now and that I am becoming a nuisance by ringing her at home every time I climb to 250 or fall to 40.
The thing I have been finding recently is how difficult it is to control something you are mad at. First I get frustrated over a high or low, over-correct due to frustration, and fall into the self-fulfilling prophesy of how I got there in the first place. It's like yelling at someone who is already crying. I'm familiar with self-talk, but I've never felt this aware of the separation between my physical and mental sides, like if I think hard enough I can control it. If I test often enough, I can get a handle on it. If I read long enough, I will get a better understanding... but at this point, it still feels like trial and error.