A Momentary Lapse of Strength*And a Note to a Lurker*
Posted Jun 05 2009 5:06pm
This week is earmarked to be a difficult one. It was supposed to be a fantastic week, a planned week. A time to solidify a wonderful friendship with contact, laughs, hugs and good old fun. But life is life and the people in it are who they are, and it turns out that this week that I was anticipating with relish is one that I already dread.
I am not one to dwell on things. I'm well-practiced at compartmentalizing things into the past and moving on, no matter what I have to give up to do so. I've never before wasted my time on sadness, regret or hurt, so it is a continual, unwanted shock to me that such inconsequential things become a trigger. A week that really has no meaning beyond yearly dates...a song that was enjoyable once but is now a painful reminder...the accent of a stranger that calls me at work and brings brief tears to my eyes. Sunday mornings...the waste of a death magnifying the waste of a friendship lost. The simple loss of several hours of a specific companionship every day. How promises can so easily turn to doubt and the significance of a friendship can effortlessly be devalued and thrown away. How I turn my head and lose it all...How just one move puts me by myself.*
And all of a sudden the firm ground I'm standing on is ripped out from under my feet and the sadness, the hurt, and most of all the missing, plough into my gut like a two ton sack of bricks. The disposal of guilt upon myself returns along with the self disgust of feeling this way, after all this time, over a person who took my proffered trust and friendship - my vulnerability - and treated both like disposable commodities. And afterward - after harshly pushing me away - to profess to more than simply caring (!). Actions speak louder than words and claim the hands of lies. And so I assumed you valued our friendship as highly as I did. I Assume, and u make an ass out of me. And I should've known better. I did know better, and I foolishly trusted and believed in something that never existed .
I stand as the fool; after all of this, I still care. I'll always wish things had turned out differently. How god-awful pathetic is that?!? I gave it my all right up until I couldn't give anymore, and giving it all up is the hardest thing I've ever done. I cut my father out of my life ten years ago and have no lingering emotions and here I am, whining over the loss of someone whom I thought I knew...but learned to be so different from the person I was shown. My best friend, my greatest confidante, for so long; how could I have not seen? I have turned into a weakling who can't get over something that meant nothing and everything, who still wants and hopes and wishes in spite of knowing how futile it is. Can someone please just shoot me now...or give me a sharp kick in the ass??
My firm ground will reassert itself, and in a week I'll be practicing some self-flagellation for showing my weakness here (at which point this post may mysteriously become lost in cyberspace). It'll always be a sadness, a regret, a hurt, and I'll always miss it. But life goes on and nobody ever died from losing someone they care about. And so I leave you with the oh-so-wise words of Mr. Urban:
I went out driving trying to clear my head I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this And all the baggage that seems to still exist It seems the only blessing I have left to my name Is not knowing what we could have been What we should have been So
Take your records, take your freedom Take your memories I don't need'em Take your space and take your reasons But you'll think of me And take your cat and leave my sweater 'Cause we have nothing left to weather In fact I'll feel a whole lot better But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind Don't worry, I'll be fine I'm gonna be alright While you're sleeping with your pride Wishing I could hold you tight I'll be over you And on with my life
**And since we both know you're probably reading this -though the 'why' escapes me - (and because your health was my Modus Operandi for so long), I'm taking the liberty of reminding you that a year has passed. You need to make an appointment at the you-know-what with the handy machine. I wish I could be there with you, but.....**
* lyrics sponged from Matchbox 20 -"Leave" (from the album Mad Season, and so apropos)