Would *you* be my friend?

I know.. that sounds like a pretty lame, corny title for a post. Something a la’ Mister Rogers from way back except he said “Would you be my neighbor?” Cue the cardigan sweater and the shoes, please.

My 20 year high school reunion is coming up this fall. And with any upcoming milestone event, the mind always takes a trip down memory lane. I was lucky in that the high school that I attended in the south (before I moved back north BEFORE MY SENIOR YEAR) felt like home to me. I had a core group of wonderful friends whom I loved, teachers who were like second parents to me, and an overall school experience that was pretty good. No big clique-y type fighting… I was pretty much friends with everyone, kind of like a social chameleon.

So it was with my mind trippin’ down memory lane that I started searching for some of my long-lost friends. One in particular popped out as someone with whom I wanted to reconnect. She and I were friends from kindergarten all the way to college, my first best friend. Unfortunately, the crap hit the fan 16 years ago in a horrible chain of events and she and I ceased to be friends. The fault was completely mine. I was a young, self-centered person who didn’t see beyond my own desires. (Insert echoes of “You were the cause of all the family problems” from my estranged mother.)

We connected again via email recently. I apologized for my behavior; it seemed that she accepted my apology. Then, as friends try to do when they have been out of touch for a while, they try to update each other on their lives. I updated her on what had happened to me and my former college roommate (part of the crap hitting the fan that happened 16 years ago). My former college roommate and I had a falling out because I did not attend her bridal shower, and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. So, I was kicked out of the wedding. I made a comment of “oh the tangled web I weave.”

I mentioned this in an email to my newly-rediscovered friend. She responded to me with an email that has sent me spiraling deeper into my depression. She asked me point-blank if I was weaving webs still, or was I done, meaning was I done playing games. She stated that she needs to protect herself and her future. I responded with if I had come off as a “player” like that, someone who was still self-centered and stupid,  I was truly sorry. The web comment was in reference to my life and how tangled it is.

I am now mired deep into my pit, mulling over if I am even fit to be a friend. I still have all these tender battle wounds from growing up that I thought had healed. I’m self-conscious of being in groups because when I see someone sharing a knowing glance with someone, I think that they’re thinking about me, and commenting about how odd I am.

So am I living a double life of being such a stellar friend to my online friends when I hardly have any “in real life friends”? I honestly meant what I wrote in my 6 word memoir- “She loved others more than herself.”

Now with these current turn of events, I really question why anyone would want me around.