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Why can't I just let me be?

Posted Oct 05 2011 10:09pm

Being married to me must be exhausting, I told my wife.

No, she said, being you must be exhausting.

Sometimes it is.

The subtle mood swings. The nagging anxiety. The utter inability to just be... Itis all so damn tiring sometimes.

My moods can swing like a heavy pendulum from happy todepressed, content to crazy, in a morning, much less in a week.

My current meds are working, for the most part. Beaten down and gaunt from the weight loss, I crawledout of the darkest, deepest and most dangerous depression of my life thissummer.

Those fleeting impulses to say to hell with it all are fewerand farther between now, but consistent contentment eludes me still.

I am restless. They say Abilify can make you feel that way.But it may have saved me, so what to do? Flush the pills down the toilet and riskslipping back down that slippery slope into a pool of misery?

No! I can’t do that. I have to stay the course. I have totry again tomorrow. I have to do all the things my therapist is telling me todo but for some reason I don’t.

I have to remember my job is just a job. It’s what I do, notwho I am.

I have to try harder to stop the negative thoughts when theystart.

I have to go back to giving five minutes at the start of eachday to my Higher Power and asking Him for help.

I have to learn to just be.

Oh, how I wish it were thatsimple.

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