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"We accept the love we think we deserve" ... Stephen Chbosky

Posted Oct 14 2008 4:05am
Did I mention that I have a washing machine?
Mum bought a new one so they gave me the old one!
There is so much to go in my gratitude journal!
I am so lucky. We are all far from rich, but the support I've had from my family, ranging from gifts to physical work to advice - has been amazing. I am really blessed. I say that a lot, but it's true.
Finally finished my cleaning up except for the spare room.
I've written down a list of priorities and one of them is the spare room. I need a quiet place to go to get out of the main living area, and it's important to me that I set up a proper altar and meditation space. That's my job this week.
Also need to wash my car... Ziggy hasn't had a bath for nearly a year. Hmmm. I think it has about 4 spiders nesting on various parts...
By the way, getting petrol in my PJs last night was fun, you should try it some time.
Meanwhile, feeling a bit weird tonight, as I cut myself when I was doing the washing up. I picked up the knife and just drew it across my hand. It's only little, a scratch really, but it bled.
I'm not sure exactly why I did it. I didn't feel very 'present' at the time. It was so automatic... and unreal. There was barely any emotion surrounding it at all, which is a little bizarre, considering I thought I was pretty grounded at the time.
I'm trying not to worry too much or read too much into it. That probably sounds a bit strange, but the more I stress and worry about it, the more I'll, well, worry about myself.
Living on my own now I need to really have guidelines as to where the boundaries are... at what point do I take a Neulactil? At what point do I ring B? At what point do I.... take further safety 'action'.
While I'm mostly 'well', I am aware that there are undercurrents of darkness, fear, panic, shadows, whatever, stirring within me. That doesn't necessarily mean I'll fall apart or 'relapse'. I would have thought that in the past, but that's what I mean when I say I'm not worrying too much yet.
I just need to sort out these boundaries, these lines, now more than ever. It's just me now, I'm fully responsible for me, and I need to have some sort of plan in place.
For now, if it happens again, or if urges come back, I'm going to ring B.
In the longer term, it's something I need to think about, definitely.
What a strange feeling.
But it's okay, I'm working it out.
I'm tending not to try and second guess myself these days. Anything could happen. Or not. I just have to coast and see where it takes me.
I'm doing a lot of mindfulness still. I love it. I've been working on it for months now, and getting better at it. I've always known about mindfulness from when I did DBT in 2003, but since then I have learnt a lot more about it, including the origins in the buddhist tradition. It's not just focusing on something - it's so much more than that, and it can take so many forms. It's a beautiful, peaceful way to live your life.
At least, in those moments I remember to do it ;)
Have also been working on the present moment. It's amazing just how 'freeing' it is to be right here, right now. I'm not sure how to explain it, but all the stress and tension just drains away.
Now I sound like an advertisement for a day spa!
Hopefully a friend of mine is dropping in tomorrow and we are going to Warners Bay for lunch. I'm looking forward to it, it'll be nice to catch up.
Money's pretty tight now, and I just got an extremely high mobile phone bill from the week before I got the landline connected and had to use my mobile exclusively. $159! Considering my savings have dwindled to about $80, I have some manifesting to do!
It'll be okay.
But I knew I'd have trouble learning to manage my money after spending so much time just pretty much spending most of it on whatever I liked at home. I need to be a bit more careful.
The light bulb in the kitchen blew this afternoon, so I got up on the ladder to change it but the new one wouldn't work either. I thought maybe it was because it was an energy saver globe, so I tried a regular one. It wouldn't work either, so it seems the whole fixture is stuffed. I have to call Maintenance and get them to send out an electrition.
It had to occur right when I was about to do about a weeks worth of washing up too ;)
However, I'm proud of myself for climbing the ladder and doing 'householdy' stuff on my own. Weird, but true.
For now I've got the lounge room lamp in there, and with the laundry light on it's fine.
Isa is protesting her new food... I decided to try her on a cheaper cat food brand and a cheaper dry food.
Not happy!
But she does eat it, even if it takes her an hour to appreciate the fact that she's not going to get anything else...
I would love to buy her the 'Purrr' or 'Fancy Feast' that she loves, but the more money I can save, the better. So, unfortunately, that's it.
I'm reminding myself that cats wont starve themselves and she will eventually eat it. She's just been spoiled for choice. She'll be okay.
I slept in until 12.30pm today, but it felt so good. I just looked at the time now and it's 3am! Geez... hehe. At least I'm not distrubing anyone by being up this late now, which is a bonus. I might stuff my sleeping patterns though. Hmmm. Oh well.
I am starting a new eating plan (not a diet) on thursday. I'm going to try to get my metabolism back up and going by eating a small, healthy snack every 2 hours, as well as lighter, smaller meals. I wont need to eat as much anyway with the food every 2 hours. I think it will do wonders for my energy levels, and hopefully I'll lose some weigh too, which will help my whole body get healthier.
Here's to metabolism.
I really should go to bed, I'm starting to consider buying the 'Ab-Rocker'.
There's a boundary for you right there - I know I've been up too long when the Danoz Direct Ads are piqueing my interest...
Um, yeah.
"The appearance of things change according to the emotions, and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty are really in ourselves."
- Kahlil Gibran
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